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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Competition
Use synonyms
 which was introduced since studying at school, work, and in daily life is obviously a positive trait,
while
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 other
people
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 argue that collaboration is better than rivalry among others.
This
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 essay will explain why
people
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 believe these two views. In my opinion, cooperative character is more relevant to apply in
this
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 current situation of work. On the one hand, competing with others is a nice method that might be useful in school, office, or even daily activities.
This
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 is because
people
Use synonyms
 will improve their
self awareness
Add a hyphen
self-awareness
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 by opposing and comparing to others.
For example
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,
competition
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such
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 as a school ranking is good for the student to know their competence level,
hence
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 they might know their current phase and how to enhance their skills.
Therefore
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, competitiveness will motivate human beings to become a better person.
On the other hand
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,
people
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 believe that teamwork is a better way compared to rivalry. The reason is that each individual has their own area of expertise or unique personality,
thus
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 they have their own purpose in society to share with each other in order to advance their skills.
For instance
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, collaboration is good for a group of
people
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 with different kinds of backgrounds to work for the same goal as we can see in football teams which consist of several roles.
As a result
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, collaborative characteristics make
people
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 grow stronger especially to reach the group objective. In conclusion,
people
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had
Wrong verb form
have
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 two opinions regarding
competition
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, where some
people
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 support
competition
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,
the
Correct word choice
and the
show examples
 other side accepts that the cooperative trait is better. In my
suggesotion
Correct your spelling
suggestion
suggestions
, the collaborative trait is more applicable to recent years,
due to
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 the many enhancements we should face, and team sharing is the solution for
this
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.

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coherence cohesion
Try to enhance the logical structure by making clearer distinctions between points in each paragraph, and linking them more cohesively.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. This will show a greater depth of understanding for task achievement.
task achievement
Clarify your position in the conclusion more explicitly, reinforcing your opinion with a summary of your main points.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly presents the topic and both viewpoints, setting the stage for a balanced discussion.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes a conclusion that reflects on both viewpoints and provides a personal opinion, showing good structure.
task achievement
The argumentation contains a good understanding of both collaboration and competition, showing a balanced perspective.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • productivity
  • excel
  • outperform
  • advancements
  • academic standards
  • work ethic
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • harmonious
  • supportive
  • collaborative learning
  • social skills
  • communication skills
  • sense of community
  • collective goals
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