IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that this is the responsibility of governments to solve the problem. To What extent do you agree or disagree ?

#countries #children #people #responsibility #governments
Children who are obese are more prevalent and their health is negatively impacted in various parts of the world. Governments are thought to be responsible for finding a solution to
this
 problem.
Due to
 some of the reasons that are discussed in
this
 article, I can only sort of agree with
this
 statement. On the one hand, authorities play a critical role in reducing the rate of childhood obesity
, .
Change the punctuation
,
.
show examples
 The ability to run campaigns on the negative impacts of being overweight and unhealthy in order to raise public awareness is made possible by the quick development of technology. The importance of enrolling in school physical education programmes is another factor.
Moreover
,
this
 approach is insufficient to alter residents' perceptions,The government can implement rules on minors eating fast food in retail establishments or school canteens based on citizen opinions.
This
 limits the amount of food with an unknown origin
while
 simultaneously regulating the number of calories ingested.
Nevertheless
, parents play a crucial role in the
wellbeing
Correct your spelling
well-being
show examples
 of their children. First of all, one of the primary causes of excessive consumption of unhealthy foods and obesity is poor diet decisions made by parents.
Instead
, individuals should take charge of their daily meals by including more nutrient-dense ingredients,
such
 as a
high-fiber
Change the spelling
high-fibre
show examples
 diet made up of fruits and vegetables that are vitamin-rich.
In addition
, the school serves as the second living place after the home,
thus
 it must either prioritize physical activity programmes or improve the standard of a feature to increase kids' motivation for both studying and staying in shape. In conclusion, I agree that governments should be in charge of addressing kid obesity and its detrimental effects on health, but parents and schools can
also
 have an essential impact in solving these issues.
Submitted by daviontran on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • epidemic
  • obesity
  • regulate
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • nutritional education
  • caloric intake
  • lifestyle diseases
  • physical inactivity
  • public health campaigns
  • regulatory measures
  • junk food
  • health initiatives
  • fiscal policies
  • metabolic disorders
  • parental guidance
What to do next:
Look at other essays: