IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children receive almost no encouragement from their parents regarding their performance at school, while other children receive too much pressure from their over enthusiastic parents which can have a negative impact on the child. Why do you think some parents put too much pressure on their children to perform well at school? What do you think the role of a parent should be in their child’s education?

#children #encouragement #parents #performance #school #pressure #impact #child #role #parent #child’s #education
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Some
parents
 are never content with their
children
’s academic performances at school, pursuing
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 remarkable level is their ultimate goal.
Children
’s mental health and other skills are almost negligible to
this
 type of
parents
.
This
 phenomenon is especially severe in Asian families. There are various factors contributing to
this
 circumstance.
The society
Correct article usage
Society
show examples
 is getting increasingly competitive and the unemployment rate is concerning in many countries,
parents
 could be worrying that their
children
 cannot gain enough employable skills to make a living in the future, so they push their
children
 to exploit their talent. Other
parents
 could be merely competitive, they wish their
children
 to achieve
best
Correct article usage
the best
show examples
 of everything, especially
perfect
Correct article usage
a perfect
show examples
 academic
record
Fix the agreement mistake
records
show examples
. If they have high
expectation
Fix the agreement mistake
expectations
show examples
 towards their offspring, it would definitely result in more pressure on
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 next generation. I believe
parents
 should be the protector,
mentor
Fix the agreement mistake
mentors
show examples
 and
encourager
Fix the agreement mistake
encouragers
show examples
 in their child’s development. They should
firstly
Change the word
first
show examples
 protect their
children
 from most of the potential hazards in the society and world,
otherwise
,
children
 could easily go astray if that’s the case.
Then
 I deem
parents
 could lead and encourage their
children
 to find their gifts and realize their potential. Encouraging and cultivating their confidence is the key. Developing and fostering
children
’s assertiveness will make a significant impact on one’s life, since confidence will result in
autonomous
Replace the word
autonomy
show examples
 and motivation,
therefore
,
lead
Wrong verb form
leading
show examples
 to a generally better life.
To sum up
, I deem
competitive
Correct article usage
a competitive
show examples
 society and
parents
 could be
main
Add an article
the main
show examples
 reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 too much pressure on
children
 and
parents
 should be the protector, mentor and encourager of their
children
’s life.
Submitted by jacqueline.pte918 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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