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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think young people should follow the tradition of the society. Others think that they should be free to behave as individuals. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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In today's world, some individuals believe that it is necessary for
youngsters
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 to follow the norms of society
while
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 others think that young
people
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 should be free in their behaviour.
This
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 essay will shed light on both viewpoints and give its own opinion. On the one hand, it is believed that
people
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 who are young should be free to behave as individuals. In fact, with the development of the public, more and more different cultures began to appear in each country.
Therefore
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, some teenagers tend to follow that which is different from their culture.
For example
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, a researcher has shown that 65% of
youngsters
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 want to pursue their own interests and behaviour as differently as usual because they do not want to look like others.
Moreover
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, being unique will
promote
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encourage
show examples
 their mind to follow their own activities;
thus
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, human life could become colourful and happier.
On the other hand
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, the elder who lived in the
last
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 century opines that
youngsters
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 should keep up with tradition because they do not want to change that. In detail, what makes
youngsters
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 interested is often contradictory to elders' minds
such
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 as dresses short clothes or to name a few,...
Therefore
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, some seniors in a family would not allow their child to pursue their dreams.
For instance
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, a survey has suggested that most of the oldies supposed that they could not follow the news;
thus
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, it affects a big phenomenon that behaving like normal
people
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 would be better. In conclusion, some behaviours in the past could be a good way to follow young
people
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.
However
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, following new things and behaving as their own self would be the best things that could make them well-developed. From my perspective, I believe that
youngsters
Use synonyms
 should be free to behave as individuals.

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task achievement
Your essay generally stays on topic and addresses both viewpoints; however, try to be clearer about how each point supports your main argument. Avoid vague phrasing like 'dresses short clothes or to name a few,...' and find more specific examples to strengthen your points.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and develops one main idea. This will improve the logical flow of your argument. Be cautious with transitions between sentences to maintain fluidity in your writing.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction sets up the essay topic well, and you provide a clear opinion in the conclusion, helping to frame the discussion.
supported main points
You have attempted to balance the discussion by presenting both viewpoints. This is a strong effort in developing a well-rounded essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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