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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Today many children spend a lot of time playing computer games and little time on sports. Why is this? Is it a positive or negative development?

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A number of young generation have dedicated their
time
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 to
computer
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games
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 more than any kind of sports or exercise. From my point of view,
this
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 has both positive and negative impacts on development. In
this
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 essay, I will elaborate my opinion on both sides in the following paragraphs.
To begin
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 with, The detrimental effect, because of technological advancement is that many parents can provide many kinds of
computer
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 tools for their children.
This
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 causes almost all students to have computers to use. In fact, nowadays
computer
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games
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 have become addictive things that a multitude of young children sacrifice their
time
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 to attach to them.
This
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 is becoming a huge problem for youngsters and families. The children are addicted to
computer
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games
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 which makes them lose the opportunity in order to do other good activities
such
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 as sports or every kind of exercise.
On the other hand
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, numerous young students spend more
time
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 with
computer
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games
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 because it is easier to persuade them than sports.
In addition
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, there is a positive impact from playing laptop
games
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. We can not deny that, we live in a digital era and computers have been more influential in our society.
Moreover
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, the
computer
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 has to play an important role in the employment market.
Computer
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 information has become an important skill that creates plenty of chances for a new generation to get a career which they would like to do in the future In conclusion, a lot of the young generation dedicated their
time
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 to
computer
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games
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 because it is easy to motivate them more than any kind of sport.
However
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, there are both positive and negative impacts. On the bad side are they more likely to lose the opportunity to do other good activities.
On the other hand
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,
computer
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games
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 will provide them an excellent ability which has more advantages in the digital era.

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coherence cohesion
The essay presents an attempt to organize ideas and arguments logically, but with occasional lapses, which could be improved with more thoughtful paragraphing and clearer transitions.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but they fail to clearly introduce the main idea and provide a strong final brooding on the topic, respectively.
coherence cohesion
The main points are there, but supporting details are limited. The response needs more elaboration and stronger examples for a more developed argument.
task achievement
The response touches on the task with a clear position but lacks full development of ideas. The body paragraphs need to be more fleshed out to achieve task completion.
task achievement
Ideas are clearly laid out, yet they need to be expressed more comprehensively with additional explanations for the reasons and results of the phenomena described.
task achievement
There's a need to draw on more relevant and specific examples to illustrate the points made. Generic statements should be replaced with concrete details.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • allure
  • captivate
  • supervise
  • accessible
  • scarcity
  • safer alternative
  • peer pressure
  • educational tools
  • cognitive skills
  • implications
  • obesity
  • poor posture
  • hand-eye coordination
  • problem-solving abilities
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