IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries young people are not only richer, but also safer and healtier than ever before. However, they are often less happy and more agitated in actions and behaviors. what do you think are the reasons for this and what can be done to help?

#countries #people #healtier #actions #behaviors
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In many countries most young
people
Use synonyms
 are safe, they have
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
good health and
much
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
money.
However
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, these young
people
Use synonyms
 are more
frustrating
Replace the word
frustrated
show examples
 and more
sadness
Replace the word
sad
show examples
Linking Words
then
Replace the word
than
show examples
 other.
This
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 essay will discuss
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 causes
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 these issues and
propos
Correct your spelling
propose
 some
solution
Fix the agreement mistake
solutions
show examples
. One of the main causes of the problems
Add a missing verb
is that
show examples
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 delay rotini. Rich young
people
Use synonyms
 have
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 rotini every day
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because they do not any
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 and
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 activities. The solution is that their families should make some
actives
Replace the word
activities
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 must go to
gym
Add an article
the gym
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 and
playing
Wrong verb form
play
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 some football. Another
,
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apply
show examples
 problem is
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
using smart
devises
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devices
show examples
. Rich
children
Use synonyms
 use
Add an article
a smartphone
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smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
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 every
time
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
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, they always play games,
this
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 can
be harm
Change the verb form
harm
show examples
 their
bran
Correct your spelling
brain
show examples
. Where some studies show that
paly
Correct your spelling
play
show examples
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
 like PUBG can make
children
Use synonyms
 more violent and more agitated. To
tack
Wrong verb form
tackle
show examples
this
Linking Words
 issue, parents must look at their
children
Use synonyms
 and they should give less
time
Use synonyms
 to
paly
Correct your spelling
play
show examples
 gaming. A third cause is sleeping less. Rich
children
Use synonyms
 sleep
long
Change the article
a long
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 in the
day
Correct your spelling
daytime
show examples
time
Use synonyms
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because they do not have anything to do. Most of them wake up
11
Change preposition
at 11
show examples
 pm or over
this
Linking Words
time
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
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, they sleep late
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
night. To take forward
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
 problem, parents must make Mandatory sleep
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the normal
time
Use synonyms
.
To sum up
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, most young
people
Use synonyms
 are safe and they have
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
good health and
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
good money.
However
Linking Words
, these young
people
Use synonyms
 are more
frustrating
Replace the word
frustrated
show examples
 and more
sadness
Replace the word
sad
show examples
Linking Words
then
Replace the word
than
show examples
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
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, because
delay
Change preposition
of delay
show examples
 rotini, using smart
devises
Replace the word
devices
show examples
 and sleeping less. To solve these issues, their family must take action for these
such
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 as making
activates
Replace the word
activities
show examples
 and
take
Wrong verb form
taking
show examples
 care
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 them.
Submitted by hishamlatrobe3 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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