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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In most of the societies, the role of mother and father differs. What are the causes of this difference? What will be the parental roles in future?

#societies #role #mother #father #difference #roles #future
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It is undeniable that the role of
parents
 has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
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changed drastically these days in many societies.
This
 essay will discuss the leading causes of
this
 phenomenon, and I will give certain scenarios related to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
parental roles in future.
To begin
 with, the globalised world
have
Change the verb form
has
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 revolutionised the roles of fathers and mothers nowadays. First and foremost, most families are required to make their ends meet,
therefore
, most mothers have to adapt the way they discipline their
kids
 unavoidably, so they leave their
offsprings
Fix the agreement mistake
offspring
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 with their husbands
occassionally
Correct your spelling
occasionally
. Meanwhile, in the past, females were expected to be housemaids and their responsibilities were just to take care of their children. Another possible factor is that most
parents
 lack time to nurture their children because of their hectic lifestyles, in some cases, they just simply leave their
kids
 with nursery services.
However
, it can be costly for modern
parents
.
Furthermore
, there will be a wide range of A.I. machines or robotic systems to help
parents
 look after their juveniles practically.
As a result
, most families are likely to be more productive at workplaces without
worries
Correct article usage
the worries
show examples
 of their
kids
.
Moreover
, there might be new methods of babysitter service, which allow
parents
 to work abroad just in case.
For example
, children can live without their
parents
 since they are young,
this
 will contribute to maturity and independence when they grow up.
As a result
, most fathers and mothers will not need to be concerned about their roles in the near future. In conclusion, today's societies have been diverting the responsibilities of
parents
 in terms of nurturing
kids
;
however
, there will be certain procedures to nurture their
kids
 when they are away,
such
 as A.I. machines, robots, or babysitter services.
Submitted by keakyenge on

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task response
The essay partially addresses the reasons for the difference in parental roles, but could provide a more comprehensive analysis of the causes. The scenarios presented for parental roles in the future are somewhat relevant but lack depth.
coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear and consistent logical structure. There is a need for better organization of ideas and more effective use of transitions to enhance coherence and cohesion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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