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Band 4

For many people, the reason they work hard is to earn money. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #reason #work #money
Nowadays,
people
 wish to earn
money
.
However
 ,for many
people
, working hard for
earnings
Correct your spelling
earning
show examples
money
 is not the main cause. I absolutely disagree with
this
 argument because other than
money
 there
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 other reasons for
which
Correct word choice
why
show examples
people
work
 hard and the following paragraphs express my view .
To begin
 with, there are many reasons why
people
work
 diligently. First and foremost,
people
 tend to
work
 potently and as
Correct article usage
a result
show examples
result
Add a comma
result,
show examples
 they will be benefited
by
Change preposition
from
show examples
 rewards
such
 as
stimulates
Replace the word
stimulation
show examples
, employees of the month, which boast them
furthermore
 to
work
 hard .
In addition
,
this
 may help other team members to
work
enthusiastic
Change the word
enthusiastically
show examples
 and
developing
Wrong verb form
develop
show examples
team
Correct your spelling
teamwork
show examples
work
.
On the other
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
 many of them
work
 hard
for obtaining
Change preposition
to obtain
show examples
better
Add an article
a better
show examples
 quality of life.
For
instance
Add a comma
instance,
show examples
 in
this
 modern age emptiness are not reasonable.
As a result
 every individual should
are working
Wrong verb form
work
show examples
 hard to achieve their desire.
Such
 as living in modern houses,
buying
Correct word choice
and buying
show examples
 new cars. Some
people
starting
Wrong verb form
start their
show examples
 own
business
Fix the agreement mistake
businesses
show examples
 when they have enough
money
.
For
instance
Add a comma
instance,
show examples
 they do not want to be alone and
such
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
friends,
communication
Correct word choice
and communication
show examples
people
work
.
In
addition
Add a comma
addition,
show examples
 a teacher
put
Wrong verb form
puts
show examples
 in long hours preparing
lesson
Fix the agreement mistake
lessons
show examples
 because they are deeply committed to their students' education.
People
 may
work
 hard because of a sense of responsibility.Working hard because they want to make
positive
Correct article usage
a positive
show examples
 in the world. Some
people
 get attention from
people
 and get respect from
community
Add an article
the community
show examples
,
secondly
, they are getting
reputation
Correct article usage
a reputation
show examples
 from their community.
To sum up
 ,
work
 hard for
enthusiastic
Replace the word
enthusiasm
show examples
 and satisfaction. I guess
money
 is part of our lives.
Submitted by omondavlat91 on

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Overall
Your essay demonstrates some understanding of the task but lacks coherence and cohesion. You need to structure your ideas more clearly and provide relevant examples to support your points.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial stability
  • necessities
  • monetary rewards
  • quality of life
  • luxury items
  • dependents
  • responsibility
  • pursue
  • personal interests
  • cultural pressures
  • wealth accumulation
  • fulfillment
  • visible measure
  • correlate
  • secure future
  • comfortable lifestyle
  • entertainment
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