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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think parents should supervise their children's activities closely, while others believe children should have more freedom. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

One of the social concerns today relates to how
parents
Use synonyms
 should treat their
children
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 it is
widely
Rephrase
apply
show examples
commonly suggested that
parents
Use synonyms
 should supervise their
children
Use synonyms
’s activities closely, others believe
children
Use synonyms
 should have more freedom to grow. In my opinion,
i
Fix capitalization
I
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 support parent who should oversee their
children
Use synonyms
’s activities closely. On the one hand, it is argued that
parents
Use synonyms
 play a vital role in
children
Use synonyms
’s activities.
Firstly
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, the main reason is that
children
Use synonyms
 can not fully control
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their emotions or decisions. It is
also
Linking Words
 possible to say that the prefrontal cortex - the part of the brain that helps people make smart choices is still growing until around age 25. So
children
Use synonyms
 surely can not
do
Verb problem
take
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 safe action without
supervision
Use synonyms
. One good illustration of
this
Linking Words
 is an increasing number of tragic incidents involving
children
Use synonyms
 that have occurred
due to
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 a lack of parental
supervision
Use synonyms
, including drowning in lakes or ponds and being attacked by aggressive animals.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, it is strongly believed by others that freedom plays a vital role in the
growth
Use synonyms
 of
children
Use synonyms
. People often have
this
Linking Words
 opinion because each person has
each
Correct determiner usage
a
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 different
growth
Use synonyms
 way,
children
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has
Wrong verb form
who have
show examples
 free
growth
Use synonyms
 will develop
more
Correct article usage
a more
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 brave and strong personality than others. A particularly good example here is Chihiro (from the Spirited Away -
Ghibi
Correct your spelling
Ghibli
 Studio) - A young girl is separated from her
parents
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 and
force
Replace the word
forced
show examples
 to survive on her own in a magical world. Through
this
Linking Words
 journey, she matures quickly, learns how to work, and discovers how to protect herself. In conclusion, parental
supervision
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 or free
decision
Check wording
decision-making
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 are thoughtful ways to help adult
children
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. Personally, I tend to believe that
children
Use synonyms
 need parental
supervision
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.
This
Linking Words
 will help
children
Use synonyms
 safer,
as well as
Linking Words
 more convenient in the
growth
Use synonyms
 process, avoiding mental illness.

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task achievement
Make sure to clearly outline your opinion in the introduction for better clarity.
coherence and cohesion
Enhance the linking between ideas for better flow, use simple connectors like 'and', 'but', 'also'.
task achievement
Expand on your examples and explain them a little more for stronger support of your points.
task achievement
You present both sides of the argument which shows a balanced perspective.
task achievement
Your examples are relevant and provide good illustrations of your points.
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