IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Too much emphasis is given for education of the young . More government money should be spent to free time activity of young people.To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#emphasis #education #government #money #time #activity #people
A large amount of concentration was given to schooling to teach the young generation. The government spent a significant amount of cash that should be used for the leisure time and liveliness of teenagers.
This
 writer argues that political money should spent to operate more communication between admission with Psychologists or senior-experienced teachers to improve their soft skills to handle the issues after graduation
while
 others believe
this
 load of funds is unnecessary . It is vital to understand that an enormous chunk of cash has to be used in helpful ways .
This
 is because the capital if used in an impractical way, can create more problems .
However
 enlistees are given too much concentration on studying which can make them like idiots ,
also
 it can cause some mental fitness and overwhelm them .
As a consequence
 ., it could have negative influences on the student's emotional health as well .In Thanh Nien 's newspaper which was published 2 weeks ago , there are 200 circumstances about recruitment exhausted in studying .
Furthermore
, spending more on leisure time activities can
also
 lead to an improvement in teenagers' physical health . When their health is enhanced, they can achieve more successful achievements and learn productively .
In particular
 , some communication can bring them different ways to think and act, and it should be organized to provide admission with a chance to achieve commendation in the future . Resultantly , in my school which contains more than 1800 pupils , the school board usually operate some communication for us to improve our thinking to be more mature . Taking everything into account , I believe that the amount of currency that the government spent on the spare time of young people was necessary .
Besides
 that , it brings the young generation lots of benefits that they can make use of their career after school not only of the mental energy benefits but
also
 wholesome facilities .

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay effectively addresses the question prompt and provides a clear stance on the issue, suggesting that government money should be spent on leisure time activities to benefit teenagers. However, to improve, you should provide more balanced arguments, considering the counter-arguments in more detail.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and that all sentences within the paragraph support that idea. While your essay has a logical structure, some points could be more clearly linked to make the overall argument more cohesive.
coherence and cohesion
Work on varying sentence structures to make your writing more engaging. Additionally, ensure that your ideas are expressed clearly and concisely without resorting to overly complex phrasing. Some parts of your essay are slightly unclear due to awkward or incorrect phrasing.
task response
Use specific examples more effectively by clearly explaining how they support your main points. This will help to give stronger support to your arguments and make your essay more convincing.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly presented, providing a clear stance and summary of the essay's main arguments.
task response
Relevant examples are used to illustrate points, which helps to support the arguments made in the essay.
task response
The essay maintains a consistent focus on the topic and provides a complete response to the question prompt.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • overemphasis
  • burnout
  • well-being
  • mental health
  • social inclusion
  • non-academic skills
  • recreational facilities
  • antisocial behaviors
  • extracurricular activities
  • diverse interests
  • personal growth
  • real-world skills
  • intellectual society
  • undue stress
  • teamwork
  • societal development
What to do next:
Look at other essays: