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Writing Samples /
Band 4

Everyone should stay at school until 18. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#school
It is the case that young
people
 should keep their studies at
school
 until the
age
 of 18. I totally agree with
this
 view
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 and will give my reasons below. In my opinion, one of the main reasons is that by studying at high
schools
,
students
 could gain a
wealthy
Replace the word
wealth
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knowledge
Change preposition
of knowledge
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 and skills that help
meet
Correct pronoun usage
them meet
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 higher-level qualifications in the future.
In other words
, most of the
people
 under the
age
 of eighteen have very little real-world experience and have very little idea of what career they will pursue. Clearly, staying at
school
 until the
age
 of eighteen will allow them
further
 opportunity to develop their education and time to decide upon a suitable career path.
For example
,
schools
 often offer vocational guidance for
students
 who are about to graduate from high
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
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, they
therefore
, may have
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 right decision for the job they would love to do.
Besides
, with skills learnt at
school
, the
students
 might have more opportunities to study
further
 in universities. Another reason is that
schools
also
 provide moral and social education which is of paramount importance to teenagers. Because
people
 under 18 do not have the sufficient intellectual capacity to distinguish between right behaviours and wrong ones, they could easily commit crimes if they were not educated well enough. To illustrate, being exposed to the real world at
early
Add an article
an early
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age
, juveniles may be lured by social temptations and involve themselves in unlawful activities
such
 as drug dealing, stealing and so so which may ruin their future.
Therefore
, it is important for teenagers to stay at
school
 until 18 and
get
Verb problem
apply
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benefit from the organised framework that the
school
 provides.
Furthermore
, young
people
 finishing high
school
 tend to be more responsible and help build a stronger society. In conclusion, it seems to me that
students
 who stay in
school
 until the
age
 of 18 are vital.
Submitted by mtgngocanh on

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Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but they can be strengthened by providing a more clear and definitive stance on the topic.
Task Achievement
The essay provides a complete response to the task with clear and comprehensive ideas. However, it would benefit from providing more extensive and relevant specific examples to support the main points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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