Everyone should stay at school until 18. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#school

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It is the case that young

people

should keep their studies at

school

until the

age

of 18. I totally agree with

this

view

Remove the comma

apply

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and will give my reasons below. In my opinion, one of the main reasons is that by studying at high

schools

students

could gain a

wealthy

Replace the word

wealth

show examples

knowledge

Change preposition

of knowledge

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and skills that help

meet

Correct pronoun usage

them meet

show examples

higher-level qualifications in the future.

In other words

, most of the

people

under the

age

of eighteen have very little real-world experience and have very little idea of what career they will pursue. Clearly, staying at

school

until the

age

of eighteen will allow them

further

opportunity to develop their education and time to decide upon a suitable career path.

For example

schools

often offer vocational guidance for

students

who are about to graduate from high

schools

Fix the agreement mistake

school

show examples

, they

therefore

, may have

Correct article usage

the

show examples

right decision for the job they would love to do.

Besides

, with skills learnt at

school

, the

students

might have more opportunities to study

further

in universities. Another reason is that

schools

also

provide moral and social education which is of paramount importance to teenagers. Because

people

under 18 do not have the sufficient intellectual capacity to distinguish between right behaviours and wrong ones, they could easily commit crimes if they were not educated well enough. To illustrate, being exposed to the real world at

early

Add an article

an early

show examples

age

, juveniles may be lured by social temptations and involve themselves in unlawful activities

such

as drug dealing, stealing and so so which may ruin their future.

Therefore

, it is important for teenagers to stay at

school

until 18 and

get

Verb problem

apply

show examples

benefit from the organised framework that the

school

provides.

Furthermore

, young

people

finishing high

school

tend to be more responsible and help build a stronger society. In conclusion, it seems to me that

students

who stay in

school

until the

age

of 18 are vital.

Submitted by mtgngocanh on Wed Mar 29 2023

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Coherence and Cohesion

The introduction and conclusion are present, but they can be strengthened by providing a more clear and definitive stance on the topic.

Task Achievement

The essay provides a complete response to the task with clear and comprehensive ideas. However, it would benefit from providing more extensive and relevant specific examples to support the main points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

Summary
Restatement of thesis
Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

In conclusion
To conclude
To summarize
Finally
In a nutshell
In general

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9
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
5
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 4.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 4.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

310 words

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Topic Vocabulary:

Peer pressure
Desensitize
Aggressive behavior
Neglect
Abuse
Supervision
Anti-bullying measures
Societal norms
Stereotypes
Dominance
Cyberbullying
Anonymity
Digital devices
Enforcement
Cultural tolerance

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Certainly, let's enhance the essay to potentially achieve a Band 9 in IELTS Writing:

Everyone should stay at school until 18. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Include an introduction and conclusion

In some countries, there has been an increase in the number of parents choosing to self-educate their children at home rather than sending them to school. Do the advantages of home education outweigh the disadvantages?

Some people feel that entertainers (e.g., film stars, pop musicians or sport stars) are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? which other types of job should be highly paid?

In some countries unemployment is high, so some people think that children should only go to primary school and not to secondary school because, they will not be able to find jobs in the future. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is important for people to take risks, both in their professional lives and their personal lives. Do you think the advantages of taking risks outweigh the disadvantages?