IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people think governments should care more about elderly while others think they should focus on investing in education for younger people. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #governments #care #focus #education
It is considered by some city governments have to focus on elderly
people
 more
while
 there are others who think education for younger children
ought
Add the word
ought to
show examples
 be invested more by the
government
. In
this
 essay, I will discuss both views and give my own opinion.
To begin
 with young children, some
people
 think that the city
government
 need to invest more money in the young
generation
 in
order
 to create a condition to study more. If
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 invest more money in young children’s education,
this
 will cause more merits from that. In recent days,
Correct article usage
the goverment
show examples
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
continue
Wrong verb form
has continued
show examples
 to construct more educational areas
such
 as IT parks, libraries and even educational centres. With these conditions of these, children got more awards.
As a result
 of
this
, it affected society with more absolute benefits.
In addition
, creating
much
Fix the agreement mistake
many
show examples
 more opportunities and conditions for the young
generation
 became common in every part of the world. I agree with the idea that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 have to be effective in
order
 to focus on elderly
people
. In recent days, elderly
people
suffer
Wrong verb form
have suffered
show examples
 from problematic situations
such
 as a lack of opportunities and conditions
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
. It contains, these days, noise pollution become the main cause of heart attacks in elderly
people
.
As a result
 of
this
, they spend half a pension in
order
 to be healthy. I think that constructing special areas or buildings which are far from roads or noisy areas would be the best way in
order
 to solve
this
 problem. As I know, elderly
people
 only want
big
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
attention from their families.
However
, it would be a problem, because, all
people
 try to improve their wealth. The second solution is that have a chance to meet elderly
people
 so that they can talk with each other. In conclusion, the
government
 have to care for both sides
such
 as the elderly and the young
generation
. I think that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 need to invest in and care about elderly
people
 more compared to the young
generation
.
Submitted by moxinurabjalilova on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear structure and logical progression of ideas. Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion.
task achievement
Your essay does not fully address the task prompt, and the ideas are not presented comprehensively. Provide specific examples to support your ideas and ensure your essay addresses both views as per the task prompt.

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