IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people think governments should care more about elderly while others think they should focus on investing in education for younger people. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #governments #care #focus #education
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It is considered by some city governments have to focus on elderly
people
Use synonyms
 more
while
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 there are others who think education for younger children
ought
Add the word
ought to
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 be invested more by the
government
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. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both views and give my own opinion.
To begin
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 with young children, some
people
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 think that the city
government
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 need to invest more money in the young
generation
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 in
order
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 to create a condition to study more. If
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 invest more money in young children’s education,
this
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 will cause more merits from that. In recent days,
Correct article usage
the goverment
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goverment
Correct your spelling
government
continue
Wrong verb form
has continued
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 to construct more educational areas
such
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 as IT parks, libraries and even educational centres. With these conditions of these, children got more awards.
As a result
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 of
this
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, it affected society with more absolute benefits.
In addition
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, creating
much
Fix the agreement mistake
many
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 more opportunities and conditions for the young
generation
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 became common in every part of the world. I agree with the idea that
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 have to be effective in
order
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 to focus on elderly
people
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. In recent days, elderly
people
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suffer
Wrong verb form
have suffered
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 from problematic situations
such
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 as a lack of opportunities and conditions
for
Change preposition
apply
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them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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. It contains, these days, noise pollution become the main cause of heart attacks in elderly
people
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.
As a result
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 of
this
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, they spend half a pension in
order
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 to be healthy. I think that constructing special areas or buildings which are far from roads or noisy areas would be the best way in
order
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 to solve
this
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 problem. As I know, elderly
people
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 only want
big
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
attention from their families.
However
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, it would be a problem, because, all
people
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 try to improve their wealth. The second solution is that have a chance to meet elderly
people
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 so that they can talk with each other. In conclusion, the
government
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 have to care for both sides
such
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 as the elderly and the young
generation
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. I think that
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government
Correct article usage
the government
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 need to invest in and care about elderly
people
Use synonyms
 more compared to the young
generation
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by moxinurabjalilova on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear structure and logical progression of ideas. Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion.
task achievement
Your essay does not fully address the task prompt, and the ideas are not presented comprehensively. Provide specific examples to support your ideas and ensure your essay addresses both views as per the task prompt.
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