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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries.

The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries.
#proportion #population #three #countries
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the graph
show
Change the verb form
shows
show examples
 us the
different
Replace the word
difference
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 in the rate of new-born in
China
Use synonyms
 and
Use synonyms
Change the capitalization
America
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america
Change the capitalization
America
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 from 1920 to 2000
Overall
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
america
Change the capitalization
America
Americans
show examples
 are
showed
Wrong verb form
shown
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 to
had
Wrong verb form
have
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 the rates dominated all the time
while
Linking Words
China
Use synonyms
 had the highest birth rates in the whole graph at one point Looking
in
Change preposition
at
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 the first 30
years
Use synonyms
, it can be seen that both countries
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
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fluctuated a bit and experienced a downfall and a climax during
this
Linking Words
 period.
In addition
Linking Words
,
America
Use synonyms
's birth
rates
Fix the agreement mistake
rate
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had
Unnecessary verb
apply
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dropped to 5% in 1945 but quickly recovered to 15% within 5
years
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
China
Use synonyms
 had its proportion fall to 5% from 1940 to 1945 and skyrocket to 20% in 1950, as twice as much as from the beginning
However
Linking Words
, from that moment to the end of the graph, 2 nations have shown an opposite side from the first 30
years
Use synonyms
 when the proportion fell significantly.
While
Linking Words
America
Use synonyms
 witnessed a slight fall through the
years
Use synonyms
 and reached 7% in 2000.
China
Use synonyms
,
on the other hand
Linking Words
, falls significantly to 2 % in the
50 year
Add a hyphen
50-year
show examples
 period.
Submitted by luudang97 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words china, america, years with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "show" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "fall" was used 4 times.
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