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Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries.

The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries.
#proportion #population #three #countries
the graph
show
Change the verb form
shows
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 us the
different
Replace the word
difference
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 in the rate of new-born in
China
 and
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America
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america
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America
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 from 1920 to 2000
Overall
,
america
Change the capitalization
America
Americans
show examples
 are
showed
Wrong verb form
shown
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 to
had
Wrong verb form
have
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 the rates dominated all the time
while
China
 had the highest birth rates in the whole graph at one point Looking
in
Change preposition
at
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 the first 30
years
, it can be seen that both countries
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
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fluctuated a bit and experienced a downfall and a climax during
this
 period.
In addition
,
America
's birth
rates
Fix the agreement mistake
rate
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had
Unnecessary verb
apply
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dropped to 5% in 1945 but quickly recovered to 15% within 5
years
.
Moreover
,
China
 had its proportion fall to 5% from 1940 to 1945 and skyrocket to 20% in 1950, as twice as much as from the beginning
However
, from that moment to the end of the graph, 2 nations have shown an opposite side from the first 30
years
 when the proportion fell significantly.
While
America
 witnessed a slight fall through the
years
 and reached 7% in 2000.
China
,
on the other hand
, falls significantly to 2 % in the
50 year
Add a hyphen
50-year
show examples
 period.
Submitted by luudang97 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words china, america, years with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "show" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "fall" was used 4 times.
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