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The bar chart below shows the numbers of men and women attending various evening courses at an adult education centre in 2009. The pie chart gives information about the ages of these course participants

The bar chart below shows the numbers of men and women attending various evening courses at an adult education centre in 2009. The pie chart gives information about the ages of these course participants
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The bar
chart
Use synonyms
 illustrates the numbers of males and females who attended different evening classes at an adult school and the second
chart
Use synonyms
 compares the age profile of the attendees.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is evident that, more
women
Use synonyms
 than
men
Use synonyms
 engaged in the evening program. It can
also
Linking Words
 be seen that the majority, of
course
Use synonyms
, participants were older adults.
According to
Linking Words
 the bar
chart
Use synonyms
, language was by far the most popular
course
Use synonyms
 at the centre ,
Linking Words
Correct word choice
and
show examples
however
Add a comma
,however
show examples
 the numbers of
women
Use synonyms
 offering the program were twice the number of
men
Use synonyms
. The painting was the second significant
course
Use synonyms
 as it attracted almost similar numbers of both
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
, 25 males and 30 females. The sculpture was the least significant
course
Use synonyms
 ,
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
,however
show examples
 it was very popular among
men
Use synonyms
 than
women
Use synonyms
, as
men
Use synonyms
 reading sculpture figures was approximately as doubled as the figure for
women
Use synonyms
. With regards to the pie
chart
Use synonyms
, evening studies were very popular among the elderly. People of 50 and over and 40-49 were the majority who attended the evening school, accounting for 42% and 26% respectively.
Whereas
Linking Words
 individuals of the ages 20-29 and 30-39 moderately participated in the evening classes as each recorded a rate lesser than a fifth. ,
Linking Words
Furthermore
Add a comma
,Furthermore
show examples
 the evening programme was less important for young people under 20 years as just 5% of the entire evening class population were within that age group.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words chart, women, men, course with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "numbers of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "numbers of" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "significant" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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