IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people believe that once a person becomes a criminal, he will always be a criminal. Do you agree with this statement?

#people #person
In
this
 modern era, there is an increment of criminals in the world. Few masses believe that once a human becomes a culprit. he will never switch and he will always be an offender. I totally disagree with
this
 statement and pertinent arguments in upcoming paragraphs and
thus
 will lead to a logical conclusion at
last
. To embark, Not every person is a culprit by choice and those are the situations to become it
such
 as mental problems, financial crises and many more. Those types of people get treatment from rehab centres and become normal. personally, I think the government should increase the number of rehab centres and they should give totally free treatment that's why there is a decrement in the crime rate.
Moreover
, sometimes they have a critical situation so citizen and government should understand their problems and helps those people.
Additionally
, change is always a good thing and we help them because of that they try to change their life. Looking at the other hand, few criminals become by their choice and there are several ways to earn money but sometimes they want to earn cash fast and easily
that is
 why they
stole
Wrong verb form
steal
show examples
 other capital and think they earn rapidly and those type of human does not differentiate their behaviour.
In addition
 to that, Here, I give an example of a South movie. In that film, the hero has a mental problem and his role as a thief he
stole
Wrong verb form
steals
show examples
 cash from banks and rich
person
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 houses but he
is
Verb problem
does
show examples
 not
using
Wrong verb form
use
show examples
 that money in the market. It
stores
Wrong verb form
is stored
show examples
 in a room so we should try to diversity them and solve their problems. To summarize above the paragraphs, everyone is not the culprit by their choice but sometimes they have a critical condition because of that I do not agree with that notion.
Submitted by gauravkalathiya123 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Improve the organization of your essay. Ensure a clear and logical structure throughout the essay.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic but lacks clarity and coherence. Provide clearer examples and ensure that your ideas are more comprehensively developed.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: