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Band 5.5

Some people say a person’s success in adult life is the result of the way they were brought up as a child by their parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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There is a common controversial discussion about whether your own achievement in adolescence is based on how you
have been
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 raised by your parents when you were a kid. In spite of all the difficulties that a person may face on his way to success
as well as
Linking Words
 his own efforts, I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement for the following reasons, even though a person can be successful without having appropriate nurture.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, it is well-known that the treatment we receive from our family during our childhood plays a crucial role in how successful we are going to be. What I mean by
this
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, is if your parents encourage you consistently, support your dreams and passion, and treat you nicely most of all the time, you are obviously going to do well in the near future as it is considered rewarding for them.
For instance
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, I know a lot of students in my school who used to be ambitious, well-educated, and polite, they
achieve
Wrong verb form
achieved
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 great things in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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due to
Linking Words
 the good situation with their families.
However
Linking Words
, it is undeniable that everyone can do something in their personal life,
although
Linking Words
, they did not have a suitable upbringing because of some circumstances.
In other words
Linking Words
, they have been treated so badly,
no
Correct word choice
that no
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 one cares about their own desire, and no one provides a hand for them.
For example
Linking Words
, there are a lot of people who managed to gain respect, money, lavish life, and fame as well without having assistance from anyone.
To sum up
Linking Words
, some assume that individuals' success can be the result of the way they
get
Verb problem
were
show examples
 brought up when they were children. Regardless of the fact that I agree with it, we cannot ignore the achievements that are done by people who did not really receive a good environment of family encouragement.

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coherence and cohesion
Try to ensure that your ideas flow logically and are well connected. For example, use more cohesive devices to link your paragraphs and ideas. This will improve the overall readability of your essay.
task achievement
Consider expanding your examples to provide more depth and context. This will help in illustrating your points more clearly and effectively.
task achievement
You present a clear stance on the issue and support it with relevant arguments, which shows a good understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction effectively sets the stage for your argument, making it clear what position you hold regarding the issue.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • upbringing
  • values
  • work ethic
  • interpersonal skills
  • educational opportunities
  • prioritize
  • emotional support
  • resilience
  • confidence
  • challenges
  • individual choices
  • external factors
  • personal motivation
  • societal influences
  • obstacles
  • determination
  • hard work
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