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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some school leavers go travelling or work for a period of time instead of going directly to university. Do you think this has more advantages or disadvantages for their study?

#school #leavers #work #period #time #university #study
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In today’s world, some students are willing to
work
Use synonyms
 or travel for a
while
Linking Words
 before starting
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 education at
university
Use synonyms
. Working and travelling after finishing school has both advantages and disadvantages. From my perspective, it has more drawbacks than benefits. I will elaborate on
this
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 theme
further
Linking Words
. One of the advantages of working and travelling before commencing education at the
university
Use synonyms
that
Add a missing verb
is that
show examples
 students could learn how to rely on themselves.
Afterwards
Add a comma
,Afterwards
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 their early self-reliance ability could impact their
life
Replace the word
lives
show examples
 positively.
For example
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, their chances to interact with people and how
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
communicate with them could be high.
Also
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,
the
Change the word
my
show examples
 negotiation skills would be upgraded
due to
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 the gained experience.
Furthermore
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, they will be able to allocate the budget
by
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their own. For
the
Correct your spelling
this
show examples
 reason
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that some parents support the
children’
Change noun form
children’s
show examples
 idea to
work
Use synonyms
 or travel for a particular period of time. There are more negative sides
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 having
a
Remove the article
work
a job
show examples
work
Use synonyms
 or travelling
instead
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 of going to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
university
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
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, graduates are young and they don’t have enough life experience, so they could get themselves in trouble easily.
Secondly
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, they spend less time with
parents
Correct pronoun usage
their parents
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, if they
work
Use synonyms
 or travel which means they will be under limited supervision.
Consequently
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, it could lead to unpleasant outcomes like getting under the influence of a bad company or committing illegal activities. One of the
downside
Change to a plural noun
downsides
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 of working before joining the
university
Use synonyms
 is having some difficulties in their learning when they get back to
educational
Add an article
the educational
an educational
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 institute. As they get used to
live
Change the verb form
living
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 in a comfort zone working and travelling, their ability to learn a new subject and
perceiving
Wrong verb form
perceive
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 information could be slowed down.
To sum up
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, entering
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
university
Use synonyms
 after graduating
school
Change preposition
from school
show examples
 would be
better
Correct article usage
a better
show examples
 decision rather than working and travelling.
Thus
Linking Words
, it could cause some problems in their discipline.
Submitted by idantiris19 on

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