IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many retired people today are choosing to live in other countries. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this trend?

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Many retired people have decided to live and spend their lives outside their motherland. In the following paragraphs, both
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
show examples
 and disadvantages of
this
Linking Words
 viewpoint will be outlined before a conclusion is reached. On the one hand, one of the benefits of being rest in other
countries
Use synonyms
 is they would feel relaxed and release stress. It can be interpreted as a reward for those who put their efforts into their work for several years and got tons of pressure and
also
Linking Words
 can be considered as a new beginning of their lives in new
countries
Use synonyms
. Living in new
countries
Use synonyms
 that have different cultures and customs,
for instance
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, the elders who live in the UK want to start their retired lives in one of the South East Asia
countries
Use synonyms
. They will find not only new traditions but
also
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 new cultures and customs
such
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 as food and lifestyle which they may find interesting and lively.
On the other hand
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, it can be hard to access treatments in other
countries
Use synonyms
. Unless the suggestion of local people, it can be hard to comprehend their methods and processes for foreigners.
For example
Linking Words
, hospitals may have the procedures of treatments different from the hospitals in the birthplace.
Additionally
Linking Words
, Living abroad leads to the fading of family bonding. The country which elders selected to settle down
to
Replace the word
too
show examples
 far from their home so that means their bloodlines cannot come by and look them up as regularly as possible.
Besides
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, they could not do activities together as they religiously did in the past. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 living in new
countries
Use synonyms
 provides new
experience
Fix the agreement mistake
experiences
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 with retired people and makes them loosen up from their dedicated hard work, it can be a challenge for them to get access to health organisations
such
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 as hospitals when they are sick.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the bonding with their families may not be as tight as the old days.

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Structure
Ensure a clear structure with distinct paragraphs for advantages and disadvantages, followed by a conclusive statement. Your essay does this well, maintaining a logical flow that aids understanding.
Cohesion
Incorporate a range of cohesive devices to link ideas and paragraphs smoothly. Consider varying your connectors and transitional phrases for a richer, more polished text.
Content
To achieve a higher score, deepen your analysis with more detailed examples and a wider range of ideas. Elaborating on examples with specifics can enrich your argument and make your points more persuasive.
Analysis
Avoid general statements or oversimplifications in your arguments. Provide more nuanced discussions and consider multiple perspectives where relevant. This can make your essay more comprehensive and thought-provoking.
Language Use
Pay attention to clarity in your wording to avoid any potential confusion. Precision in language will enhance your essay's effectiveness and readability.
Structure
A well-structured essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs outlining both advantages and disadvantages, and a conclusive statement.
Content
Good use of examples to support your arguments, although further detail could enhance the depth of your analysis.
Language Variety
You have effectively used a range of vocabulary related to the topic, which enriches your essay and demonstrates language variety.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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