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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below shows changes in three different areas of crime in manchester city centre from 2003 to 2012.

The chart below shows changes in three different areas of crime in manchester city centre from 2003 to 2012.
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The line graph compares and contrasts different variations in crimes
such
Linking Words
 as
burglary
Use synonyms
 ,
car
Use synonyms
theft
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 , and robbery in Manchester City , over a 10-
year
Use synonyms
 time period from 2003 to 2012.
Overall
Linking Words
 ,
burglary
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 had the highest crime rates in the initial
year
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 .
However
Linking Words
, after 9 years it had a considerable fall in their rating .
Whereas
Linking Words
,
car
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theft
Use synonyms
gain
Wrong verb form
has gained
show examples
 more popularity over the years. To be more specific, around 3,400 cases were reported as burglaries in Manchester City in 2003.
While
Linking Words
 for
car
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theft
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 and stealing ; it only recorded approximately 2,400 and 600 cases respectively. After a
year
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,
burglary
Use synonyms
 accounted
a
Change preposition
for a
show examples
slight increase in their rating and reached
peak
Add an article
the peak
a peak
show examples
 of 3,800 in 2004 . After that , it reported a significant drop in the ratio and
maded
Correct your spelling
made
 up to nearly 1000 in 2008 , their after it remained stable and reached 1,400 in the
last
Linking Words
year
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. Meanwhile,
car
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theft
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report
Wrong verb form
reported
show examples
 a constant trend until 2005 , and constituted 2000 in 2006. Moving forward , it recorded a dramatic surge in
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 popularity and surpassed
burglary
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 in 2007 and reached a peak of 2,400 in 2012 .
Whereas
Linking Words
, robbery only accounted for 600 cases in the initial
year
Use synonyms
 and after ,that it had a slight rise in their rating and reached 700 in 2005 , and ,afterwards it remained stable and comprised almost 600 in 2012.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "whereas".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words burglary, car, theft, year with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "remained" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "stable" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slight" was used 2 times.
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