IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Nowadays, young people communicate with friends and family through mostly social network sites, rather than other ways of communication like talking on the phone or face to face. Do you think it is a positive or negative

6.0 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Nowadays, many young
people
Use synonyms
 communicate with their friends and family mainly through social networking sites
instead
Linking Words
 of talking on the phone or meeting face to face. I believe
this
Linking Words
 is a negative development because it can reduce real relationships and cause
communication
Use synonyms
 problems.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, social networking sites have some advantages.
Firstly
Linking Words
, they make
communication
Use synonyms
 quick and easy. Young
people
Use synonyms
 can send messages, photos and videos to their friends and family at any
time
Use synonyms
.
Secondly
Linking Words
, these websites are useful when
people
Use synonyms
 live far away from each other.
For example
Linking Words
, a young person who studies in another country can easily stay in contact with his or her parents through social media.
Therefore
Linking Words
, social networking can help
people
Use synonyms
 maintain relationships over long distances.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are several disadvantages. The main problem is that young
people
Use synonyms
 may spend too much
time
Use synonyms
 online and have less face-to-face
communication
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
, they may become less confident when speaking with
people
Use synonyms
 in real life.
In addition
Linking Words
, messages on social media can sometimes be misunderstood because
people
Use synonyms
 cannot see the other person’s facial expressions or body language. Spending too much
time
Use synonyms
 on social networking can
also
Linking Words
 reduce family
time
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, some young
people
Use synonyms
 use their phones during meals
instead
Linking Words
 of talking with their family members.
Body paragraph 3
In my opinion, social networking is useful, but it should not replace traditional
communication
Use synonyms
 completely. Young
people
Use synonyms
 should use social media to stay connected, but they should
also
Linking Words
 talk on the phone and meet their friends and family in person.
This
Linking Words
 can help them develop stronger relationships and better
communication
Use synonyms
 skills.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 social networking has made
communication
Use synonyms
 easier, I believe
depending
Correct word choice
that depending
show examples
 on it too much is a negative development.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Make your main view even stronger in the first part. Say clearly that the bad sides are greater than the good sides, and keep this idea through the whole essay.
task response
Give one more clear example for a bad point. For example, show how a young person may feel shy in a real talk after using only short online messages for a long time.
task response
Explain more fully why less time with family can harm the relationship. This will make your ideas more complete and more convincing.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order, but you can link ideas more smoothly. Use simple links such as “because of this”, “for this reason”, and “however” when you move from one idea to the next.
coherence and cohesion
In the second main part, group the bad points more closely. Start with less real contact, then explain poor speaking skill and wrong meaning in messages, before moving to family time.
coherence and cohesion
Try not to repeat “young people” and “social networking” so often. Use simple other words such as “they”, “these sites”, or “online contact” where the meaning is clear.
task response
You answer the question directly and give a clear view that this change is mainly bad.
task response
You include both good and bad sides, and your examples about living in another country and using phones at meals fit the topic well.
coherence and cohesion
Your writing is easy to follow: it has an opening, a part about good sides, a part about bad sides, your own view, and a clear ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear paragraph starts such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, and “In conclusion”, which help the reader follow your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: