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Band 5.5

These days, mobile phones and the internet are very important to the ways in which people relate to one another socially. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

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These days new
technologies
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 become more vital in society. The communication system has been completely changed by using
smartphones
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 and the
internet
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. Some do not have a tendency to
use
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 these
technologies
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 to connect with others.
While
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 there are convincing reasons in favour of the downsides of
this
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 resolution, I strongly vote for the advantages
due to
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 cheaper
cost
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 and quicker transfer of
information
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 around the world. The reasonable
cost
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 of using
smartphones
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 and the
internet
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 to connect to other
people
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 is one of the main benefits that encourage
people
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 to
use
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 them.
In contrast
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 with previous ways of connecting
such
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 as sending letters or telegraphs to send a message, using
smartphones
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 and the
Internet
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 does not have any
cost
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 for us. These new
technologies
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 do not have any
cost
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 for
people
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 to send messages because they do not just
use
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 them to connect with their relatives or business partners. Normally mobile phones and the
internet
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 are used for multitasker reasons. As
result
Correct article usage
a result
show examples
, sending messages or connecting with other
people
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 around the world are the cheapest things that
this
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 new technology can
cost
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.
In addition
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 to the cheaper
cost
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 of using new
technologies
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, I believe that the quick transfer of
information
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 is an undeniable advantage. The speed of
smartphones
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 and the
internet
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 to connect us with other
people
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 around the world is
so
Rephrase
apply
show examples
vital because most businesses are
laying
Verb problem
relying
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 on
this
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 connection. So the amount of time it takes to send a message is so important.
For instance
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, stock market corporations,
use
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 these new
technologies
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 to trade and earn money and because of the competitive environment in their area, each second is important for them to send some
information
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. The disadvantages,
however
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, cannot be overlooked. Some may claim that using these new
technologies
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 to have a connection with society is not reliable and we can not trust all
information
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 that we receive from them.
Moreover
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, face-to-face connection’s feeling is something that we can not experience by using
smartphones
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 and the
internet
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, but these reasons are not sensible to compare with the advantages that these new
technologies
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 have brought to our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
To conclude
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,
smartphones
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 and the
internet
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 have advantages and disadvantages in communication’s way between
people
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.
However
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, the benefits of using them are outstanding in comparison to the drawbacks.

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coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but could be more effectively tied together.
task achievement
Good coverage of the advantages and disadvantages, but be sure to clearly address the question of whether advantages outweigh disadvantages.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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