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Band 5.5

Governments around the world spend too much money on treating illnesses and diseases and not enough on health education and prevention. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#governments #world #money #illnesses #diseases #health #education #prevention
It is often claimed that governmental expenditures on the treatment of diseases are too big,
while
 health education is not financed at all. I disagree with
this
 and tend to think that national governments spend quite big sums on their propaganda. It is undeniable that the world coped with the pandemic COVID-19 successfully not only with the use of modern drugs but self-isolation. Governments all around the world
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 a
lot
 of money on trying to prevent
people
to communicate
Change preposition
from communicating
show examples
 with each other. There were a
lot
 of informational campaigns devoted to self-isolation.
Moreover
, there are a
lot
 of
people
 who wear special medical masks nowadays. It was
also
 a part of governmental propaganda against the spread of COVID-19.
In addition
, national ministries of health all over the world spent a
lot
 of money on the prevention of venereal illnesses.
This
 type of disease cannot be treated,
therefore
 the only way to save
people
 is to explain to them the importance of being accurate with different sharp tools.
This
 campaign in the USA led to a reduction in the percentage of ill
people
.
However
, there is an opposite point of view.
It is clear that
 African
countries
 are extremely poor ,
consequently
, they do not have enough budget to create special educational programs devoted to prevention. Their first priority is to cope with existing but not hypothetical problems.
Moreover
, a
lot
 of citizens of developing
countries
 do not even have a TV to watch educational programs.
To sum up
, developed
countries
 have an advanced system of prevention and provide their citizens with actual and useful educational programs,
while
 developing
countries
 do not have the ability to finance it.
Submitted by mgshetler on

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task response
Your essay takes a clear stance and presents relevant arguments, but the lack of balance in acknowledging the opposing view affects the overall task response. Consider addressing the counter argument and providing a more balanced perspective.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay demonstrates some coherence and cohesion, but there are areas where the logical structure is unclear and the introduction and conclusion could be more developed. Make sure to provide a clear introduction that introduces the topic and your position, and a conclusion that summarizes your main points and restates your position.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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