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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the number of shops that closed and the number of new shops that open it in one country between 2011 in 2018. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons were relevant.

The graph below shows the number of shops that closed and the number of new shops that open it in one country between 2011 in 2018. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons were relevant.
#shops #country #information #features #comparisons
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The line graph illustrates the
amount
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of shops that shut down and the
amount
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of new
stores
Use synonyms
 that opened in a country from 2011
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 2018.
Overall
Linking Words
, the number of closures went up and down,
whereas
Linking Words
 the number of new shops significantly decreased,
then
Linking Words
it's
Unnecessary verb
it
show examples
 increased from 2011 to 2014. After 2015, the closed
stores
Use synonyms
 plummeted to
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 bottom in 2015,
next,
Linking Words
it skyrocketed to surpass the openings in 2016. Looking at the line graph more closely, the
amount
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of new
stores
Use synonyms
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 ranked first accounting for 8500 in 2011.
However
Linking Words
, the
openings
Correct quantifier usage
number of openings
show examples
 dropped down to 4000,
then
Linking Words
 the closures surpassed it until 2014. The closures fluctuated between 2011 in 2014, accounting for approximately 6500.
Last
Linking Words
, but not least, the closed
stores
Use synonyms
 showed a considerable downward trend in 2015,
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 declined to below 1000 but
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
shoot up to above 5000 in 2016.
Lastly
Linking Words
, the new shops shared a moderate decreasing trend, it fell from 6000 to 3000 between 2014 and 2018.
Submitted by miainspirit on

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Vocabulary: Replace the words stores with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
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