IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

The increase in mobile phone use in recent years has led to many social problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#phone #years
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There has been a debate that using mobile
phones
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 has caused numerous
issues
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 in society over the past several years. In my opinion, it is an undeniable fact that a wide range of
crimes
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 occur on social media.
Moreover
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, when people spend the majority of their time using cell
phones
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, it contributes to a sedentary lifestyle, which can lead to various health problems. It is my view that many people today perform most of their tasks on their cell
phones
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.
For example
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, they pay their bills using banking applications, which unfortunately do not offer strong guarantees against hacking.
As a result
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,
issues
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such
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 as cyberbullying and hacking have emerged in society.
Additionally
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, using mobile devices for countless hours causes individuals to get stuck behind their desks.
This
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 fact contributes to various health
issues
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,
such
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 as obesity, high blood pressure, diabetes, depression, and heart disease.
In contrast
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, some people claim that the social effects of using mobile
phones
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 and
crimes
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 can be prevented by effective management. They firmly insist that if governments raise public awareness and implement strict laws about
this
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 kind of issue, it will never happen again.
For example
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, governments should impose hefty fines on cyber
crimes
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.
However
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, I do not find
this
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 argument convincing as research shows that fear of punishment can not prevent criminals from committing
crimes
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.
Moreover
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, there is no supervision of mobile applications, and they can be hacked easily by hackers. I believe that despite increasing individual's knowledge of the safe usage of mobile
phones
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, some problems will occur again. In conclusion, I completely agree that the extra usage of cell
phones
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 leads to some problematic
issues
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 in societies because governments are unable to manage cyber
crimes
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 completely.
Moreover
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, it causes health
issues
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 like obesity and diabetes.
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Coherence and Cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, consider using more linking words and phrases to ensure smooth transitions between ideas and paragraphs.
Task Achievement
Provide more specific examples or data to support your arguments and make them more convincing.
Task Achievement
While your main points are clear and well-developed, ensure that each paragraph consistently stays focused on the central idea and avoids redundancy.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay effectively introduces the topic and presents a clear opinion.
Task Achievement
You provided a systematic approach in addressing both sides of the argument, which shows a good understanding of the prompt.
Coherence and Cohesion
The conclusion that aligns with the introduction helps emphasize your position, adding to the overall clarity of your response.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • face-to-face interactions
  • social skills
  • personal relationships
  • mental health issues
  • anxiety and depression
  • distractions
  • cyberbullying
  • productivity
  • learning outcomes
  • communication
  • access to information
  • professional growth
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