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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The map below show a public park when it first opened in 1920 and the same park today.

The map below show a public park when it first opened in 1920 and the same park today.
#show #park #first
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The maps present information regarding the urban changes happening in
the
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Grange
Park
Use synonyms
 from 1920 to present moment.
overall
Linking Words
, what stands out is that
while
Linking Words
 the rose garden
along with
Linking Words
the
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Arnold
avenue
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Avenue
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 is the only part
af
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of
 the
park
Use synonyms
 that has
been
Unnecessary verb
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remained untouched through the whole time frame, the other sections of the
park
Use synonyms
 redeveloped totally. One noticeable change is that the fountain which was positioned at the
center
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centre
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 of the
park
Use synonyms
 replaced by a great rose garden with some seats
at
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on
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 the four sides of it. Meanwhile , the stage of musicians
redeveleped
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redeveloped
developed
 to an amphitheatre for concerts which is proposed for the same aim. In the top right corner of the
park
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,
the
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apply
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either side of Arnold
avenue
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Avenue
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, a children's playground was opened up and a new cafe is found just
in
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on
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 the right-hand of the Arnolel
avenue
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Avenue
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 entrance.
In addition
Linking Words
 , the water feature was built in the
battom
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bottom
 left corner of the
park
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, just
in
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on
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 the right side of the Eldan
street
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Street
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 entrance.
Also
Linking Words
, the map is evident that the seats and the rose garden along
the
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Eldon Street were
remared
Correct your spelling
remarked
.
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the sixth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words park with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "maps" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "present" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "changes" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fifth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the seventh paragraph.
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