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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Raising children is one of the most important missions for many countries. It is recently updated that new mothers and new fathers should take trainings before getting a child. To what extent do you agree ?

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In the present world, feeding
children
Use synonyms
has been
Wrong verb form
is
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 still the most important responsibility among people around the world.
However
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, we could have heard serious news about abused
children
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 or abandonment of babies sometimes. It is agreed new parents should take training before comprising their family. I think there are some reasons which are related to safety and mindset to support my opinions.
Firstly
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,
children
Use synonyms
 should be safe in their house especially when they are young and safety must be secured by the new mother and new father.
For example
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, I had faced the issue through an internet article that new parents abused a child who made a noise at home.
Although
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 a baby is generally likely to make a sound when they want something, parents who have not had the experience raising a kid
conduct
Verb problem
make
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 a mistake
such
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 as beating or yelling.
Therefore
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, they need to take lessons which give them great education that how to care for and understand babies.
Secondly
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, the mindset of
children
Use synonyms
 should be determined from the beginning of their birth
while
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 they are living with their family.
For instance
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, young generations who have had a lack of teaching from old generations tend to make problems easily. Contrary to that, people who have been educated well about courtesy or behaviour are likely to act more politely. It shows that the mindset would be decided based on their environment of living and one who needs to raise their baby should have taken training in advance. In conclusion, many countries that concern feeding the young generation as the most essential subject should focus on giving new fathers and new mothers lectures about the know-how of raising offspring. In my opinion, governments all over the world should install institutions or mission schools for people who want to be ready
for being
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to be
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 family.

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coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present but could be more focused and clearly related to the topic. Make sure to clearly introduce your main points in the introduction and summarize them in the conclusion.
task achievement
The essay provides a response to the prompt, but the ideas could be more developed and supported with specific examples. Make sure to fully address the question and expand on your ideas with more details and relevant examples.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • parenting skills
  • well-adjusted children
  • pre-parental training
  • child abuse and neglect
  • emotional support
  • infringe on personal freedoms
  • natural instinct
  • culturally sensitive
  • one-size-fits-all approach
  • feasibility
  • governmental control
  • privacy and autonomy
  • social support systems
  • healthcare
  • education
  • financial aid
  • mandatory
  • voluntary
  • community
  • isolation
  • overwhelm
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