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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart shows the proportion of people in a UK survey carried out in three different years who said they were interested in certain sports.

The chart shows the proportion of people in a UK survey carried out in three different years who said they were interested in certain sports.
The bar charts
illustrates
Change the verb form
illustrate
show examples
 the percentage of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
UK residents interested in six different sports in three different years (1995,2000,2005)
Overall
Linking Words
,
The
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
walking is the most popular physical activity in all surveyed years,
while
Linking Words
 golf is the least popular activity.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the percentage of
people
Use synonyms
 who enjoyed walking, swimming and rugby increased
whereas
Linking Words
 the
figures
Use synonyms
 for
people
Use synonyms
those
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
who enjoyed other sports
decreases
Wrong verb form
decreased
show examples
 over the period. 1995, walking is the most popular activity chosen by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
40% of
people
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 only around 17% of
people
Use synonyms
 to chose golf and swimming.
Then
Linking Words
 tennis and
snokker
Correct your spelling
snooker
 were almost similar with 30% and 29% approximately.
Meanwhile
Add a comma
,Meanwhile
show examples
 approximately 25% of survey respondents chose rugby
to
Change preposition
as
show examples
 their
preffered
Correct your spelling
preferred
 sport. In 2005, The figure
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 walking rose significantly
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 just under 45%, but there is a significant decline in the
figures
Use synonyms
 for tennis and sneaker to about 22% each. The
figures
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 golf almost remained
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
figures
Use synonyms
 for swimming and rugby grow significantly.to over
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
25% each.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people, figures with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "significantly" was used 2 times.
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