IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people rely too much on doctors instead of taking care of their own health. They think all health problems can just be "fixed" by visiting doctors. What problems could this approach to healthcare cause and how might they be solved?

#people #doctors #care #health #approach #healthcare
First of all, I think one of the reasons that cause
this
 problem is because of their lack of knowledge. Some
people
 might not know what may cause a disease or they may not know what to do when they are sick, so they end up visiting doctors
instead
 of
try
Change the verb form
trying
show examples
 to find a way
their
Change preposition
on their
show examples
 own. I suggest
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
making some commercials about disease or how we can deal
it
Change preposition
with it
show examples
 and
post
Wrong verb form
posting
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 on bus stops or train stops.
This
 can help
people
 to learn what
we
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 should do when
we
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 get sick.
Secondly
, another reason that
cause
Change the verb form
causes
show examples
this
 problem is because of their bad diet or lifestyle. Some
people
 may
having
Change the verb form
have
be having
show examples
 a diet
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a bad and not healthy way.
For example
, they may refuse to eat and
having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 only one meal a day.
Also
, some
people
 may have a bad lifestyle.
For example
, they may always
eating
Change the verb form
eat
be eating
show examples
 junk food
instead
 of eating a proper meal.
However
, these bad habits will make them sick and end up seeing a doctor. I suggest that maybe we can help a lesson teaching
people
 having a good and healthy diet and lifestyle,
also
Correct word choice
and also
show examples
 learn how to take care
theirselfs
Correct your spelling
their selfs
themself
 so they won't get sick easily. In conclusion, most
people
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
rely too much on doctors mostly is because of their lack of knowledge. They didn't know how to care
theirselfs
Correct your spelling
their selfs
themself
 properly, so I think we should find a way to teach them how.
For example
, held a lesson or make some commercials. So that they can learn to take care of their own health.
Submitted by soumya.krishnamurthy on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Dependency
  • Personal responsibility
  • Healthcare
  • Doctors
  • Over-reliance
  • Delayed diagnoses
  • Missed diagnoses
  • Excessive reliance
  • Medical procedures
  • Healthcare costs
  • Proactive steps
  • Education
  • Awareness programs
  • Primary healthcare services
  • Preventive healthcare
  • Chronic conditions
  • Collaborating
  • Personalized health plans
  • Self-care
What to do next:
Look at other essays: