IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

These days, more fathers's stay at home and take care of their children, and mothers go to work.

#fathers #home #care #children #mothers #work
Over the
last
 two or three decades, gender roles are being exchanged as time goes by. It means more and more men stay at home and take care of kids compared to the past.
This
 may happen because of the increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 popularity among
women
 employees. In my
opinion
Add a comma
,opinion
show examples
this
 is a positive development and in
this
 essay, I will explain it deeply.
Firstly
, there is an exceedingly increasing number of
women
 who have been well-known companies' executives or senior Managers
instead
 of their male
counterparrts
Correct your spelling
counterparts
. Undoubtedly,
this
 occurs because
women
 are traditionally supposed to be good at
multi-tasking
Correct your spelling
multitasking
show examples
.
In other words
, they can do several things
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the same time perfectly because of their versatile characteristic instinctively.
For instance
, proven by statistics, approximately more than sixty per cent of brand companies which have high profits annually, have
mostly
Add an article
a mostly
the mostly
show examples
 female workforce in the USA.
As a consequence
,
business
Add an article
the business
show examples
 now is aware of mothers' excellent gifts and utilize these genders' power to
developt
Change the form of the verb
develop
show examples
.
Secondly
, there is no doubt that It is a positive progress as
women
 are not labelled with
child rearing
Add a hyphen
child-rearing
show examples
 responsibilities anymore which was a part of social convention among traditional people who had insisted on role division
whereas
such
 typical stereotypes are not common among modern families. For illustrate, two out of every five parents have changed roles and
wemen
Correct your spelling
women
 become breadwinners which
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 proven that not only does it enhance couples'
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
 but it
also
 has positive mental effects on children and
as a result
, mothers can put aside a large array of time for both their children and their part partners
instead
 of male breadwinners. In conclusion,
women
 are
choosen
Correct your spelling
chosen
 by companies because of their Multi-tasking and versatile characteristics. The situation
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
has
also
 several useful Impacts on family
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
 which can not be compared to male breadwinners.
Submitted by mehrdad.salahi2003 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: