Young people spend too much of their free time in shopping malls. This has a negative effect on young people and society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
It is thought that a certain
time
have
been wasted in huge markets by the young Change the verb form
has
ant
it gives Correct your spelling
and
negative
impact on their lives. I mostly agree with Add an article
a negative
this
suggestion because young people
cannot use their time
as prolific and they spend their allowances in these places unnecessarily.
Firstly
, the young lose their precious span in the malls
and they cannot determine
their Verb problem
spend
time
in
useful things. They usually look for shopping in order to follow new trends even Change preposition
on
they
cannot afford to buy products. Especially girls adore Correct word choice
if they
explore
shops and they do not be aware of Wrong verb form
exploring
time
Correct article usage
the time
while
they visit one Correct word choice
apply
to
anotherChange preposition
apply
one
. Correct pronoun usage
apply
This
situation can be understandable in terms of their age, unfortunately they may excessive their actions. Thus
, they lose their time
rather spending
a prolific motion Correct word choice
than spending
such
as sports, studying, reading and arts. In short, most young people
ruin their youth era in favour of shopping and styling.
Secondly
, young people
kill
their Verb problem
waste
money
in shopping malls
needlessly and it harms their pocket and their family
. Fix the agreement mistake
families
People
who below
than age of 25 usually cannot earn their own Add a missing verb
are below
money
in most of the world and they get allowances from their parents to care themselves
. By the Change preposition
for themselves
time
these malls
have been common, young people
have preferred to spend their money
due to
malls
’ attractive assets. They can shop, eat, drink, play games and watch cinema in these places. These enjoyments have become their habits and they cost. Therefore
, people
who consist of mostly parents have been complaining these
habits and trying to give up them because it harms their financial status excessively. Change preposition
about these
As a result
, many young people
lose their funds as well as
their youth.
In conclusion, causes
and examples of Correct article usage
the causes
this
suggestion can be extended and multiplied with additional ideas. Although
,
these Remove the comma
apply
malls
provide many options to entertain for
young Change preposition
apply
people
, it
is no doubt that many youngsters Correct pronoun usage
there
ravage
their considerable Verb problem
waste
time
and spend their money
as
unbalanced. 52 dkChange preposition
apply
Submitted by metehancakiroglu3435 on
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coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is acceptable, but there are some coherence and cohesion issues, such as problems with transitions and linking ideas. The introduction and conclusion are present, but they lack clarity and do not effectively summarize the essay.
task achievement
The essay provides a partially complete response to the task. The ideas presented are relevant to the topic, but the argument lacks depth and development. The examples used are somewhat relevant but need to be more specific and comprehensive.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
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