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Band 4

Young people spend too much of their free time in shopping malls. This has a negative effect on young people and society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #time #malls #effect #society
It is thought that a certain
time
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 been wasted in huge markets by the young
ant
Correct your spelling
and
show examples
 it gives
negative
Add an article
a negative
show examples
 impact on their lives. I mostly agree with
this
 suggestion because young
people
 cannot use their
time
 as prolific and they spend their allowances in these places unnecessarily.
Firstly
, the young lose their precious span in the
malls
 and they cannot
determine
Verb problem
spend
show examples
 their
time
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 useful things. They usually look for shopping in order to follow new trends even
they
Correct word choice
if they
show examples
 cannot afford to buy products. Especially girls adore
explore
Wrong verb form
exploring
show examples
 shops and they do not be aware of
time
Correct article usage
the time
show examples
while
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they visit one
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
another
one
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
This
 situation can be understandable in terms of their age, unfortunately they may excessive their actions.
Thus
, they lose their
time
 rather
spending
Correct word choice
than spending
show examples
 a prolific motion
such
 as sports, studying, reading and arts. In short, most young
people
 ruin their youth era in favour of shopping and styling.
Secondly
, young
people
kill
Verb problem
waste
show examples
 their
money
 in shopping
malls
 needlessly and it harms their pocket and their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
.
People
 who
below
Add a missing verb
are below
show examples
 than age of 25 usually cannot earn their own
money
 in most of the world and they get allowances from their parents to care
themselves
Change preposition
for themselves
show examples
. By the
time
 these
malls
 have been common, young
people
 have preferred to spend their
money
due to
malls
’ attractive assets. They can shop, eat, drink, play games and watch cinema in these places. These enjoyments have become their habits and they cost.
Therefore
,
people
 who consist of mostly parents have been complaining
these
Change preposition
about these
show examples
 habits and trying to give up them because it harms their financial status excessively.
As a result
, many young
people
 lose their funds
as well as
 their youth. In conclusion,
causes
Correct article usage
the causes
show examples
 and examples of
this
 suggestion can be extended and multiplied with additional ideas.
Although
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 these
malls
 provide many options to entertain
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
young
people
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
there
show examples
 is no doubt that many youngsters
ravage
Verb problem
waste
show examples
 their considerable
time
 and spend their
money
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
unbalanced. 52 dk
Submitted by metehancakiroglu3435 on

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coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is acceptable, but there are some coherence and cohesion issues, such as problems with transitions and linking ideas. The introduction and conclusion are present, but they lack clarity and do not effectively summarize the essay.
task achievement
The essay provides a partially complete response to the task. The ideas presented are relevant to the topic, but the argument lacks depth and development. The examples used are somewhat relevant but need to be more specific and comprehensive.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • retail outlets
  • consumerism
  • advertising
  • local businesses
  • neighborhood communities
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • obesity
  • socialize
  • amenities
  • economic growth
  • cultural homogenization
  • ecological footprint
  • entertainment
  • trends
  • brand loyalty
  • spending habits
  • mall culture
  • local shops
  • health implications
  • job opportunities
  • tourism
  • consumer debt
  • environmental impact
  • energy consumption
  • waste generation
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