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Writing Samples
Band 6

The graph below shows information about the recruitment of teachers in Ontario between 2001 and 2007. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph below shows information about the recruitment of teachers in Ontario between 2001 and 2007. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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The chart illustrates the proportion of educators who were
being
Unnecessary verb
apply

The verb being appears to be unnecessary here.

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recruited in Ontario from 2001 to 2007.
Overall
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, it can be seen clearly that the percentage of both English and French language teachers started almost at the same point and fell dramatically in the first two years;
however
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, it shows different movements for the rest of the period. In fact, the number of
english-language
Change the capitalization
English-language

If you don’t want english-language to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

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 educators showed an opposite trend since its number went down significantly in the 6-year period. On the one hand, at the beginning of 2001, the percentage of
French-teachers
Correct your spelling
French teachers

The word French-teachers doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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 started at 70%,
then
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 there was a significant decline to almost 50% in 2002.
However
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

,
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 figure rose substantially
then
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 remained constant from 2003 to 2006 and
at the end
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 of the given period,
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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recruitment increased slowly to above 70%.
On the other hand
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, similar
with
Change preposition
to

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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 the number of
French’s
Change noun form
French

It seems that this noun form may be incorrect.

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Instructor
Fix the agreement mistake
Instructors

It seems that Instructor may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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, the proportion of
English-teachers
Correct your spelling
English teachers

The word English-teachers doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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 in 2001 began at around 70%
then
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 it fell steeply to 40% in 2002,
although
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 between 2003 and 2005 it increased slightly by approximately 3%.
Finally
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, the trend decreased to below 30%
at the end
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 of 2007.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "at the end, however".
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "fell" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "significantly" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • steady increase
  • growing demand
  • notable decline
  • budget cuts
  • student enrollment
  • temporary stabilization
  • policy adjustments
  • economic improvements
  • post-2005
  • long-term educational strategies
  • recruitment needs
  • budgetary restraints
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