IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that it is important to spend a lot of money on family celebrations. While others think it is a waste of money. Discuss both views.*

#people #money #celebrations #waste
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It has been observed that many individuals channel their
money
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 on
celebrations
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 in the family
whereas
Linking Words
 some individuals assume that it is a waste of
money
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.
This
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 essay will discuss both sides with relevant examples. One of the reasons why some family
love
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 celebration is that they
love
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 enjoyment. Many people believe it is more profitable to spend
money
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 on family occasions than to spend it on
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
other things like education, housing,
health
Correct word choice
and health
show examples
. The reason is
because
Replace the word
that
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 it makes them lively and there is
tendency
Add an article
a tendency
show examples
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
it will improve intimacy among themselves.
For instance
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, my friend told
about
Correct pronoun usage
me about
show examples
 how they
value
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celebrations
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 in their family and even people in
difference
Replace the word
different
show examples
 countries will come home for
celebrations
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.
Secondly
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, some
culture
Fix the agreement mistake
cultures
show examples
value
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 it as it is part of their norms for
family
Add an article
the family
a family
show examples
 to celebrate big things. And it is a taboo to
to
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
have a very small
Use synonyms
celebrations
Correct the article-noun agreement
celebration
show examples
.
For example
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, one of the
tribe
Change to a plural noun
tribes
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 in Nigeria,
Ibo
Correct article usage
the Ibo
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,
value
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 family
celebrations
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 as they take much time in planning.
However
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, it can be a waste of
money
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 and resources because not everyone
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value
Change the verb form
values
show examples
 it. Some people are
introvert
Replace the word
introverted
show examples
 and they
love
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 to
silent
Add a missing verb
be silent
show examples
 about an event.
Also
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, some dislike
stress
Correct article usage
the stress
show examples
association
Replace the word
associated
show examples
 with it.
For example
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, my introverted siblings find it difficult to invite me
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 family occasions.
Furthermore
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, it is not everyone in the community that have
money
Use synonyms
 occasions, they would rather invest it
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 education, housing and health than
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
spend it extravagantly. In summary,
although
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 some individuals
love
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 to enjoy themselves through family parties, by doing
this
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,
other aspect
Change the wording
another aspect
other aspects
show examples
 of our lives should be put into consideration
Submitted by oludayotemilade on

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Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • cherish
  • nurture
  • strengthen
  • bond
  • create memories
  • enjoyment
  • sense of belonging
  • reconnect
  • unite
  • traditions
  • create traditions
  • financial burden
  • priorities
  • moderation
  • budget
  • frugal
  • extravagant
What to do next:
Look at other essays: