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Writing Samples
Band 7

The Chart below gives information about the age of women in Australia when they gave birth to their first child in 1966, 1986 and 2006. Summerise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and making relevant comparisons.

The Chart below gives information about the age of women in Australia when they gave birth to their first child in 1966, 1986 and 2006. Summerise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and making relevant comparisons.
#information #age #women #australia #birth #first #child #summerise #features #comparisons
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The bar charts illustrate the
first
Use synonyms
child
Use synonyms
 who was given birth by
Use synonyms
women
Fix the agreement mistake
woman
show examples
 Considering
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 age of them in Australia in 1966 and 1986 and 2006.
It is clear that
Linking Words
 the younger generation of
women
Use synonyms
 who had their
first
Use synonyms
 childbirth was downtrend
in contrast
Linking Words
 that the fluctuations of the
first
Use synonyms
child
Use synonyms
 of
women
Use synonyms
 between 30 to 39 were increasing in the period of question.
Linking Words
According to the
Change preposition
The
show examples
 proportion of females under 19 years old who gave to their
first
Use synonyms
child
Use synonyms
 declined significantly so that it was more than 30% in 1966
while
Linking Words
 it stood at just about 10% in 2006.
Moreover
Linking Words
, in 2006 the number of
women
Use synonyms
 between 19-24 years old was half of them compared with that in 1996
as a result
Linking Words
 it was more than 60% in 1996
then
Linking Words
 decline
about
Change preposition
to about
show examples
 35% and it was less than 30%
at the end
Linking Words
 of the period of question.
In addition
Linking Words
 the number of
women
Use synonyms
 who gave birth to their initial baby between 30 to 34 after a marginal rise between 1996 to 1986 increased sharply until 2006 and stood at just over 45% in 2006.
Besides
Linking Words
 the
the
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
proportion of
this
Linking Words
 statistic in the 34-39 age group shows
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 upward trend in 1966 about 8%
also
Linking Words
, 15% and 30% were for 1986 and 2006 respectively.
Linking Words
additionally
Add a comma
,additionally
show examples
 the figure of
women
Use synonyms
 giving birth to their
first
Use synonyms
child
Use synonyms
 between 25-30 and over 40 years has not significantly changed.
Submitted by amirhsina on

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Vocabulary: Replace the words first, child, women with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "declined" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "stood" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "significantly" was used 2 times.
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