Nowadays, many animal species are becoming extinct. Some people believe that countries and individuals must solve this problem. Others believe that human beings are more important. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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The
extinction
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of many animal
species
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is now the subject of increasing concern.
While
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some people are of the view that governments and individuals are tasked with changing
this
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situation, others value mankind over
animals
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. Personally, I lean towards the former, and
this
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essay will elaborate on justifications for it. On the one hand, it cannot be denied that human beings have been faced with numerous issues, namely education, poverty, and climate change. The fact that preventing animal
extinction
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might entail much effort and investment makes
up
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us

The word up doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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think that the emphasis should
place
Wrong verb form
be placed

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb place. Consider changing it.

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on human-direct problems
instead
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.
In addition
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, it is argued that many
species
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, particularly wild
animals
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, are considered to be a danger to human life.
Hence
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, there is no need to find workaround solutions to protect them;
otherwise
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, the extinct
species
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might be mankind someday.
However
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, I believe
this
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to be a very shortsighted view. For a variety of reasons, it would be wrong to overlook the consequences of animal
extinction
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.
Animals
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play a vital role in the biodiversity of the Earth and the long-term survival of numerous
species
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,
thus
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, the end of one
species
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can result in that of another.
For example
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, when the Bison, which underpinned the growth of Europe vegetation, became extinct, the vegetation here
also
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disappeared
as a result
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. At the same time,
animals
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are an important part of human existence with various benefits. Most noticeably, they have been shown to be a key contributor to medical research as some animal
species
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share some biological characteristics with humans. In a real sense, many life-saving cures and treatments
such
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as breast cancer or brain injury have been invented partly thanks to
animals
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’ contribution. In a nutshell,
animals
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should be given much importance
due to
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their huge benefits to both ecology and human beings.
Therefore
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, there is a need to plough ahead with measures to protect
animals
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

from
extinction
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

.

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task response
Ensure that the essay fully addresses all aspects of the essay prompt, including discussing both views and providing a clear opinion. Develop each point fully and ensure that the argument is well-rounded.
coherence cohesion
The introduction lacks a clear presentation of the two views and the writer's opinion. Ensure that the essay begins by presenting both views and the writer's position clearly. Develop each paragraph with a clear topic sentence and supporting details for improved coherence.
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