IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that schoolchildren should not be allowed to use their smartphones. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#people #schoolchildren #smartphones
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Some people think that
schoolchildren
Use synonyms
 should not be allowed to use their
smartphones
Use synonyms
. To what
extend
Replace the word
extent
show examples
 do you agree or disagree?
According to
Linking Words
 some individuals' opinions,
children
Use synonyms
 who are
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 school age may not be allowed to utilize their own
phones
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 it will
being
Wrong verb form
be
show examples
 common among
schoolchildren
Use synonyms
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
using
Wrong verb form
use
show examples
smartphones
Use synonyms
study
Fix the infinitive
to study
show examples
, I believe that being allowed to utilize pupils'
phones
Use synonyms
 is better and offers more advantages than
it
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
'
disadvantage
Fix the agreement mistake
disadvantages
show examples
 sides. Undoubtedly, giving
schoolchildren
Use synonyms
phones
Use synonyms
 which are own is more useful compared
nt
Correct your spelling
to
 giving them, because it is modern action and the demand of time is increasing.
For instance
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 can read e-books and do homework which is given by their schoolteachers
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
line
educatoin
Correct your spelling
education
 system with their
smartphones
Use synonyms
.
Also
Linking Words
, by
Use synonyms
phones
Fix the agreement mistake
phone
show examples
, they may connect with their parents and close friends
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 another place
where
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 is
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
far from them. In any case,
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
smartphones
Use synonyms
,
children
Use synonyms
 can
leran
Correct your spelling
learn
 new things and
also
Linking Words
, by watching foreign countries online with
phones
Use synonyms
 and
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
, broaden their horizons, but
also
Linking Words
 new goals will
born
Change the verb form
be born
show examples
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them by watching and their desire,
enthusiasm
Correct word choice
and enthusiasm
show examples
 will increase comparatively study.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
schoolchildren
Use synonyms
 should not be allowed to utilize their own
phones
Use synonyms
 has some drawbacks.
For example
Linking Words
, If parents give
smartphones
Use synonyms
 to
children
Use synonyms
 who are studying at school but they can not control them which is how
ti
Correct your spelling
to
show examples
 use
Add an article
a smartphone
show examples
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
,
this
Linking Words
 action will be
negative
Add an article
a negative
show examples
 aspect
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
children
Use synonyms
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
using
phones
Use synonyms
 because they may play online games and watch other videos which
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 posted
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
social
Add an article
the social
a social
show examples
network
Fix the agreement mistake
networks
show examples
.
Children
Use synonyms
 may spend many
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
 to
this
Linking Words
 type of
activities
Fix the agreement mistake
activity
show examples
. In conclusion,
puplis
Correct your spelling
pupils
 are utilizing their own
phones
Use synonyms
 at school and education is not bad action because it helps students to find some information about
Add an article
the study
show examples
study
Fix the agreement mistake
studies
show examples
, but
also
Linking Words
 it includes negative sides.
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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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