Nowadays, celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In
this
modern-day society, big shots have a tendency to become well-known owing to their fortune rather than their accomplishments, which has detrimental impacts on the youth. As far as this
argument goes, I strongly support the viewpoint for the following reasons.
To begin
with, It goes without saying that admiring those bad models may turn teenagers into pragmatists. Indeed, by being influenced by those big shots, the youth will have a tendency to judge other people by their looks and their possessions rather than their talents. For instance
, my friend Duy said that he only made friends with people who had good outfits or looked rich and fancy. Given his stance, Duy was boycotted by his classmates and he ended up having no friends for his entire high school years.
Furthermore
, those bad celebrities will inculcate bad outlooks into victims’ feeble minds. Apparently, teenagers will embrace the idea of spending money haphazardly due to
watching their idols, depriving them of insights into the importance of money. As a typical example, my acquaintance gradually became a spendthrift after spending three hours a day watching his idol’s videos and following in his footsteps. Moreover
, he always indulged himself in buying accessories and sports cars on a whim, making his parents sell their house in order to fulfil their son’s pastime.
In a nutshell, I pen down by reconfirming that I do support the idea of claiming that people who become well-known thanks to their money and glamour but their talents and achievements have detrimental impacts on teenagers.Submitted by vuducquangminh96 on
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task response
The introduction and conclusion are unclear and lack depth. Clear and comprehensive ideas should be further developed and supported with relevant specific examples in order to improve task achievement. Logical structure needs improvement.
coherence and cohesion
The essay lacks coherence and cohesion due to a lack of logical progression between ideas. Use transition words and phrases to connect ideas and create a clear flow. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and supports the main argument effectively.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite