IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that art is an essential subject for children at school while others think it is a waste of time. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #art #children #school #waste #time
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The inclusion of art in the school's curriculum has been a controversial topic. It should not be considered part of the education is thinking of some people
while
 the opponents say that it is an essential subject.
This
 essay will discuss both views and put forward reasons why I agree with the latter view. On the one hand, music and dance are dominated by other
subjects
 like science and mathematics because these play an important fundamental role in building a career.
For example
, scientists earn more than artists who are often homeless or struggle to make a living. Clearly, STEM
subjects
 are a vital part of syllabi as these are the foundation for a successful life. If these are taken away from the education system,
then
 students will be left with almost nothing to study.
On the other hand
,
craft
Add an article
the craft
show examples
 is a beautiful representation of a variety of cultures and traditions which if not taught will lose its significance. Van Gogh a famous artist,
for instance
, would have not existed if he
did
Verb problem
had
show examples
 not
nurture
Wrong verb form
nurtured
show examples
 his talent in his early years of life. Certainly, many potential future dancers, musicians and artists will not know their natural talent if the syllabus
will
Verb problem
does
show examples
 not include these
subjects
.
Therefore
, it is crucial to teach the young generation so that they
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 grow in
this
 field. In my opinion, the scope might be limited but if craft is taken away from the curriculum the talent will soon fade away which needs to be nurtured by the educators in the first place. Youngsters will not be able to learn about our culture and traditions which are mainly represented by art.
To conclude
, art should not lose its brilliance and young ones should definitely learn about it.
Although
 other
subjects
 should be treated equally important, the craft should be eliminated from the education system.
Submitted by ramanpreetkaursetia on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay partially addresses the task, but the response lacks depth and clarity. It would benefit from providing a more balanced discussion of both views and a clear opinion.
coherence and cohesion
The essay demonstrates a fair level of coherence and cohesion, with some logical linking of ideas and points. However, the introduction and conclusion are underdeveloped and need to be more substantial.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • self-expression
  • critical thinking
  • problem-solving
  • cultural awareness
  • tolerant society
  • STEM subjects
  • employability
  • rigorous subjects
  • curriculum
  • school budgets
  • enriches
  • complements
What to do next:
Look at other essays: