IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

We find many countries around the world, paying for things using mobile applications (cell phone) is becoming increasingly common, so do these developed applications have advantages? Does the use of these applications have disadvantages?

In a somewhat futuristic world, e-commerce is growing day by day.
People
Use synonyms
 tend to pay online (
bank
Use synonyms
 card) rather than cash.
This
Linking Words
 article will essay on the benefits of mobile hardware software, plus there are more satisfactory advantages of
this
Linking Words
 technology than disadvantages. A cell phone with internet is better and hassle-free if used correctly.
First,
Linking Words
the schools
use
Use synonyms
 a convenient and easy
payment
Use synonyms
 method for parents to collect their monthly fees which is better than before,
parents
Rephrase
when parents
show examples
 had to stand in long
also
Linking Words
 boring queues. The same is the case with paying utility bills.
This
Linking Words
payment
Use synonyms
 method has saved us valuable time and effort.
Secondly
Linking Words
, every bady is possible to
use
Use synonyms
 the applications in the developed phones at any time and anywhere in the world, just connect to the internet
also
Linking Words
 enter the program.
Finally
Linking Words
,
bank
Use synonyms
 transfers to one of my sons are easier over the phone
also
Linking Words
 do not take time,
as well as
Linking Words
bank
Use synonyms
 statements for the withdrawal process, which I can see immediately. There are more disadvantages that make
people
Use synonyms
 stay away from using mobile
payment
Use synonyms
 software.
First,
Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
's fear of cybercrime spread in social media, which calls for the
use
Use synonyms
 of money to pay,
to
Correct word choice
and to
show examples
 feel safe.
Secondly
Linking Words
, it is difficult for the elderly to
use
Use synonyms
 the developed cell phones
also
Linking Words
 their many programs, so we find that
he
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 always
withdraws
Correct subject-verb agreement
withdraw
show examples
money from the
bank
Use synonyms
 and
puts
Wrong verb form
put
show examples
 it at home.
Finally
Linking Words
, constant fear of a sudden interruption of the internet, and the cancellation of transfers of huge sums of money. In conclusion, it can be emphasized that cashless
payment
Use synonyms
 has more advantages than disadvantages. With each passing day, online
payment
Use synonyms
 guarantees
due to
Linking Words
 more certain.
As a result
Linking Words
, there will be fewer security breaches and an improvement in
people
Use synonyms
's trust in
this
Linking Words
 method.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Consider providing more detailed examples to support your points, especially in the body paragraphs. For instance, specific examples of mobile applications that enhance convenience could strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the flow of your essay by ensuring that ideas transition smoothly between sentences and paragraphs. Using linking words (e.g., furthermore, however) can help with this.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to proofread for grammatical errors and consistency in tense. For example, 'every bady' should be 'everybody,' and 'to do feel safe' could be better stated as 'to feel safe.'
task achievement
You have effectively identified both the advantages and disadvantages of mobile payment applications, which shows a good understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and reflects a clear personal opinion, which gives the essay a strong ending.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: