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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

the charts below show the changes in ownership of electrical appliances

the charts below show the changes in ownership of electrical appliances
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The line graphs depict
thesurvey
Correct your spelling
the survey
 on electronic devices (washing
machine
Fix the agreement mistake
machines
show examples
,
Use synonyms
refrigerator
Fix the agreement mistake
refrigerators
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, and
vacuum
Use synonyms
cleaner
Fix the agreement mistake
cleaners
show examples
) usage in every house and the working
hours
Use synonyms
 every week within
timeframe
Add an article
the timeframe
a timeframe
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 of a century period from 1920 to 2019. The data is measured by percentage and number of
hours
Use synonyms
 per week.
Overall
Linking Words
, the usage of washing machine,
refrigerator
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, and
vacuum
Use synonyms
 cleaner
were
Change the verb form
was
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 increasing drastically over the year, even though they have
different
Add an article
a different
show examples
 starting point.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the number of
hours
Use synonyms
 of people using them
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 declining over the 10 decades period.
First
Add an article
The first
show examples
 thing to note,
percentage
Correct article usage
the percentage
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 of
household
Fix the agreement mistake
households
show examples
 using electrical appliances were rising skyrocketed with
Use synonyms
refrigerator
Fix the agreement mistake
refrigerators
show examples
 and
vacuum
Use synonyms
cleaner
Fix the agreement mistake
cleaners
show examples
 having the highest rise.
Moreover
Linking Words
, both
vacuum
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cleaner
Fix the agreement mistake
cleaners
show examples
 and
Use synonyms
refrigerator
Fix the agreement mistake
refrigerators
show examples
 surpassed the washing machine trendline in 1960.
Vacuum
Use synonyms
 cleaner lines were soaring steadily from 1920 to 2000 (30% to 100% respectively) which was followed by a period of stability from 2000 to 2019.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the usage of
Use synonyms
refrigerator
Fix the agreement mistake
refrigerators
show examples
 experienced a gradual increment in 6 decades from 1920 (about 40%) to 1960 (around 90%) and reached
it
Change the pronoun
its
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 highest peak of 100% in 1980. Meanwhile, the majority of people in 1920 were using electrical appliances for 50
hours
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.
However
Linking Words
, the number decreased
into
Change preposition
to
show examples
 only
two-fifth
Correct your spelling
two-fifths
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from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the former data in 1960 (approximately 20
hours
Use synonyms
). It continuously
falling
Wrong verb form
fell
show examples
 and reached its lowest point in 2019 with slightly more than 10
hours
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "moreover".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words refrigerator, vacuum, hours with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
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