IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some cultures, children are often told they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#cultures #children #message
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It is true that some people believe that offspring are often told if they try hard they will achieve everything. In
this
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 essay, I will detail the benefits and drawbacks of
this
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 statement.
To begin
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 with, all
parents
Use synonyms
 want the best thing for their
children
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. They always told the
children
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 to do so many things and sometimes
force
Wrong verb form
forced
show examples
 them to try everything. I grew up in an Asian family. My
parents
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encourage
Wrong verb form
encouraged
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 me to
involve
Wrong verb form
be involved
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 in many activities
such
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 as music,
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
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, and math
class
Fix the agreement mistake
classes
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. Asian
parents
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 sign up for many lessons outside the school to improve their
children
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's abilities. They argue all of it for the future.
For example
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, if the
parents
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 recognize their
children
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 still having trouble understanding math, they will sign up for a math class with a private tutor even if the pupils already study 8 hours at school,
this
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 helps the
children
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 to understand more and have a chance to do lots of exercises.
As a result
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, the
children
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 will be motivated and do their best.
However
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, sometimes everything is not going smoothly because the
children
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 have their own limits. They already do everything but in the end, they
failed
Wrong verb form
fail
show examples
 with their test or exam. It will affect their mental health. They will start to blame themselves.
For instance
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, the
children
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 study hard every day from morning to evening for the IELTS test, but the result is not enough for them to apply to the university. The
children
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 feel so down and their hard work is useless.
This
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 will affect their mind and psychology.
To conclude
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,
children
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 need to be the best version of themselves. They can do everything in their lives with their capacity but do not forget if
they're failed
Wrong verb form
they fail
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 at something, it is just part of their life, and
next,
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they will learn from their mistakes and get better.
Submitted by ieltscuns2022 on

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coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion need to be more clearly presented and linked to the main points of the essay. Supporting points need to be more fully developed.
task achievement
The essay partially addresses the task by discussing the benefits and drawbacks of telling children they can achieve anything. However, the response needs to be more comprehensive and specifically address all aspects of the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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