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Band 6.5

Nowadays , People have adopted an unhealthy lifestyle. Why do think this is ? How could this problem be solved ?

#people #lifestyle
In our generation today, toxic well-being emerges because of some reasons. The essay will convey different relevant problems and solutions.
To begin
 with, one major problem of having a toxic lifestyle is the unawareness of every person about health diseases. Many folks tend to not choose
of having
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 a healthy body, simply because they really love to enjoy life and be with friends with bad habits. In today's reality, humans have so many vices that include smoking, drinking alcohol and taking some drugs. As we all know, smoking affects our lungs
while
 excessive alcohol kills our kidneys. Simply put, society nowadays destroys their lives by not choosing to be healthy.  As the survey illustrates, most of the millennials do not take care of their bodies. They are not used to eating healthy food rather they consume more junk foods.
For example
, my friend died because of excessive smoking which led to lung cancer.
This
 conveys that smoking is really a drawback for our health.
Therefore
, most of the population throws the opportunity given by the Divine - the gift of life.
Conversely
, there are solutions that must be implemented to lessen the harm of the bad attitudes and vices of every youth. One visible solution should start in the family, parents must educate and encourage their children not to take bad chemicals by giving consequences to them. The second solution is that the government should implement a law, that a youth cannot buy cigarettes and alcohol in every convenience store if he/she is below 18 years old.
To conclude
, we should always remember that health is wealth, for a man to achieve his dream he must value and remember that prevention is better than cure - Benjamin Franklin.
Submitted by manalangbobkervin on

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task response
The essay addresses the question, but the response is somewhat underdeveloped. More elaborate development of the solutions and a better balance between problems and solutions is needed.
coherence and cohesion
The logical structure is generally clear, but there are coherence issues. The essay lacks clear progression of ideas and may benefit from more logical linking of ideas and paragraphs.
lexical resource
The essay demonstrates a reasonable control of a range of vocabulary, but there are instances of awkward and inaccurate word choices. More varied and precise vocabulary would enhance the quality of the essay.
grammatical range
The essay shows a mix of complex and simple sentences, but there are errors in sentence structure, verb tense, and agreement. More attention to sentence structure and accuracy is necessary.

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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