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Band 5

Working long hours causes a great deal of stress and can be very bad for the health. The government must find a way to reduce this type of stress. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#hours #stress #health #government #type
It is true that working for long
hours
 could lead to many
health
 problems and diseases
such
 as depression.
Although
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 it has become common now to see workers suffer from hard
work
 circumstances
such
 as long
work
hours
,
goverments
Correct your spelling
governments
government
 do not find solutions to reduce
this
 type of effect. I believe that
this
 matter is a serious problem and
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should pay more attention to it.
To begin
 with, the average
work
hours
 that employees
work
 in developing countries these days is ten to twelve
hours
 which is so harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 mental and physical
health
.
For
instance
Add a comma
,instance
show examples
 people in Egypt have
such
 hard long duties that make them spend almost their day in their workplaces.
As a result
 of
this
Add a comma
,this
show examples
 they cannot take care of their
health
 and catch many diseases
such
 as
hypertention
Correct your spelling
hypertension
.
However
, the Egyptian government created lots of regulations to reduce
this
 phenomenon but the lack of law application makes
this
 issue still exist.
Additionally
, the vast majority of
workforce
Add an article
the workforce
show examples
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 poor so they do not pay attention to the harmful effects of long
work
hours
 on their
health
.
On the other hand
, we can realize that Western countries are so serious to address
this
 issue, they are aware of the fatal illnesses that long duties might cause in
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
.
For example
, some European governments set a rule to make the daily
work
hours
 just six
hours
 for all companies,
hence
 employees could have much time for rest and take care
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their
health
.
However
 some firms may find a way to breach
this
 law,
they
Correct word choice
and they
show examples
 would be punished if one of their
employer
Change to a plural noun
employers
show examples
 complain.
Although
 the severe
health
 problems that happen because of
this
 matter will not be realized in the short run, the stress and depression could damage mental
health
 in a short time In conclusion, these illnesses that happen because of long
work
hours
 are serious and
this
 phenomenon should be tackled the governments to protect their people
Submitted by abdoo.magicoo on

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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