IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Government around the world are spending billions in support of space programs. This money would be better spent on research into improvements in human health. Do you agree or disagree?

#government #world #billions #support #space #programs #money #research #improvements #health
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays billions of dollars are spent on space programs
although
 some
people
 believed that
It
Correct pronoun usage
They
show examples
 should be spent on research which is beneficial to
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
human health condition. From my point of view, I strongly
agree
Add the preposition
onagree
toagree
withagree
show examples
this
 statement. I have two reasonable explanations and I will explain
further
 in
this
 essay.
To begin
 with, Doctors and researchers are still working on an array of disease diagnoses and treatments.
Last
 three decades, a considerably increasing incidence of auto-immune diseases, cancers and tumours increase the need for urgent treatments. The epidemiology of immune disorders is approximately 5 to 8 per cent of all population,
however
, their effect on mortality and morbidity is significantly high,
moreover
Add a comma
,moreover
show examples
 auto-immune disease patients are most likely 20 to 40 years old which is the main force of Human Resources. For
this
 ,reason loss of these
people
 will be a huge drawback to money. In the second place,
people
 who are suffering because of medical conditions are unproductive
as well as
 they can't reach their full capacity in the work field.
As a result
, If there is a large number of
people
 are having
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
untreatable diseases will result in a recession
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the economy. In the economy, it is thought that place where more than 90 per cent of
people
 are working is healthy and productive.
Although
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 percentage of
people
 who have the deadly disease
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 increasing lately more than ever. In conclusion, increasing untreatable diseases and low productive conditions are the biggest reason to support
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the medical field. By supporting health, It will give money more than giving to them in future.
Submitted by llbayarmaa on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: