IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

some people believe that in order to reduce the rising obesity among children the school administration should make it necessary for every child to participate in sports and other outdoor activities. Do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is debatable whether
school
Use synonyms
 authorities should encourage children to take part in
sports
Use synonyms
 and outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
 to eradicate the increasing overweight issue. I firmly agree that educational institutions should implement
this
Linking Words
 approach because it can instil a good
lifestyle
Use synonyms
 in them. Arguably, there are multifarious reasons why people are in favour of making
sports
Use synonyms
 and outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
 mandatory by the
school
Use synonyms
 authorities. Primarily, if
such
Linking Words
 an approach can be followed, children will never get a chance to avoid
sports
Use synonyms
activities
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, The Guardian Newspaper conducted meticulous research in March 2022 and stated that in 6 out of 10 cases of overweight issue in
students
Use synonyms
 was
due to
Linking Words
 the absence of specific time for their body movements at both homes and schools. Owing to
this
Linking Words
, after adopting
this
Linking Words
 trend,
students
Use synonyms
 can burn some extra calories and ultimately
can
Verb problem
apply
show examples
curb the fat-enhancing factors.
In addition
Linking Words
, physical education teachers cannot only help to identify the appropriate game for them, but they can
also
Linking Words
 assist in selecting a healthy diet related to a reduction of extra fat for better endurance.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
such
Linking Words
 a minute change can bring numerous other weight-reducing benefits in pupils’ lives and predominantly, they can adopt a healthy
lifestyle
Use synonyms
 for their whole life. To elucidate, when
sports
Use synonyms
 are unavoidable at
school
Use synonyms
 and their impact will be shown on the final mark sheet,
students
Use synonyms
 will try to maintain a high spirit to perform well and they may attain
this
Linking Words
 by adopting a disciplined
lifestyle
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, as per the annual report of
last
Linking Words
 year by the World Health Organisation, 55% of
school
Use synonyms
 players had been observing tremendous change in their sedentary
lifestyle
Use synonyms
as well as
Linking Words
 lipid reduction since their institutions caused them to take part in
sports
Use synonyms
.
Hence
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon can be a good method for fat trimming.
To conclude
Linking Words
, I agree with
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon that by making
sports
Use synonyms
 and outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
 unavoidable for
students
Use synonyms
,
this
Linking Words
 change can be the best method for adipose tissue reduction by ensuring a distinctive
lifestyle
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea clearly linked back to your thesis. Avoid overloading sentences with too many concepts.
task achievement
Provide a more detailed explanation of your examples and how exactly they reinforce your points, making sure they're directly tied to the thesis.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a clear introduction that states the writer's position firmly.
supported main points
The examples used are relevant and help illustrate the points being made.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion effectively summarizes the key points and reiterates the writer's stance.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: