IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Childhood obesity is becoming a serious problem in many countries. Explain the main causes and effects of this problem, and suggest some possible solutions.

#childhood #obesity #countries #effects
The prevalence of childhood obesity has been increasing recently and becoming an alarming issue. There are many factors leading to
this
 disease,
such
 as eating junk food, drinking soft
drink
Fix the agreement mistake
drinks
show examples
 and a sedentary lifestyle. Absolutely, these factors could contribute to negative influences on the child. For that reason, it is necessary to take several methods to tackle the problem. Frequently consuming fast food
as well as
sugary
Add an article
the sugary
a sugary
show examples
 soft
drink
Fix the agreement mistake
drinks
show examples
 is one of
major
Add an article
the major
show examples
 reasons causing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
obesity among
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
show examples
. An excessive amount of calories beyond the needs of
children
 is consumed by them on a daily basis, resulting in the accumulation of excess fat in the long run.
For example
,
McDonal’s
Correct your spelling
McDonald’s
 and BBQ Chicken has long been known for its appeal to
children
 through its Happy Meals, play areas and marketing strategies
targerting
Correct your spelling
targeting
 young audiences. Another cause that has contributed to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
childhood overweight is that juveniles spend a
mojority
Correct your spelling
majority
 of
time
Correct pronoun usage
their time
show examples
 playing computer
games
. There are lots of gaming software
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
aimed at
children
, some of which create various types of video
games
 to appeal
minors
Change preposition
to minors
show examples
.
Therefore
, they could spend their entire day experiencing new
games
 on the computer.
On the other hand
, childhood obesity can lead to other more dangerous diseases,
such
 as cancer and diabetes. A child
becomes
Wrong verb form
becoming
show examples
 obese can cause deteriorated physical health, leading to a higher risk of developing severe illness. Because of that, it is
parents’
Correct your spelling
parents
show examples
 and schools’s responsibility to control the daily diet of the child, ensuring they have healthy and
balence
Correct your spelling
balanced
balance
 meals.
Besides
, parents need to restrict
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
screen time as much as possible
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and encourage them to be outside,
do
Correct word choice
and do
show examples
 more physical activities,
such
 as playing football, swimming and bike riding. In conclusion, it is
indisputible
Correct your spelling
indisputable
 that snack food and online
games
 are appetizing and engrossing for
children
,
although
 it significantly has a number of negative impact on juveniles.
Hence
, adults should
stricly
Correct your spelling
strictly
 control their child’s diet and screen time.
Submitted by trangch705 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: