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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Student learn far more with their teachers than other sources (the Internet or television). To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#student #teachers #sources #internet #television
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There are those who think that
students
Use synonyms
 are educated by teachers more than on the Internet or TV, though there have been a lot of technological developments in recent days. In my opinion, I partially disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement, and the reason will be elaborated in the enlisted paragraphs.
Firstly
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, the pupils can obtain knowledge through their classes in school, and they spend much time learning subjects in their lives.
This
Linking Words
 is because they acquire the necessary skills
such
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 as common sense and literacy with their mentors,
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subsequently
Add a comma
subsequently,
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 they tend to imitate their educators’ behaviours and deportments.
For instance
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, many
students
Use synonyms
 would like to be instructors after graduating from university in Japan.
Thus
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, there is an inclination that children are stimulated by these mentors and
got
Verb problem
have
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 plenty of abilities with them.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, recently youngsters are able to expose a lot of information on the internet and TV
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and
also
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 can learn through some videos on YouTube or other websites
due to
Linking Words
 the proliferation of technological devices. It means that they can improve their capabilities whenever they want and wherever they want.
According to
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 research done in 2019, 60% of university
students
Use synonyms
 consider that they obtained more pivotal and practical faculties online rather than in their colleges.
Hence
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, many young individuals tend to learn their subjects on the network. In conclusion, it
is depended
Wrong verb form
depends
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 on what they want to reinforce, For the behaviours, they can learn with their mentors more than the website,
however
Linking Words
, for the knowledge, they can collect more details with the gadgets than with their educators.
In addition
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, I consider that most
students
Use synonyms
are
Verb problem
learn
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 learned with the technologies more,
therefore
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, I subtly disagree with
this
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 view.
Submitted by shimamura0116 on

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task response
The essay provides a clear opinion on the topic and supports it with relevant examples. However, the introduction and conclusion could be more explicit and the logical structure needs improvement. The essay shows a partial response to the task, with some ideas not fully developed and lack of clarity in certain parts.
coherence and cohesion
The essay lacks coherence in some parts due to the organization of ideas. The introduction and conclusion need to be stronger, and the overall logical flow of the essay needs improvement. Better use of linking words and clear paragraph structures would enhance coherence and cohesion.
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