Student learn far more with their teachers than other sources (the Internet or television). To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There are those who think that
students
are educated by teachers more than on the Internet or TV, though there have been a lot of technological developments in recent days. In my opinion, I partially disagree with
this
statement, and the reason will be elaborated in the enlisted paragraphs.
Firstly
, the pupils can obtain knowledge through their classes in school, and they spend much time learning subjects in their lives.
This
is because they acquire the necessary skills
such
as common sense and literacy with their mentors,
subsequently
Add a comma
subsequently,
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they tend to imitate their educators’ behaviours and deportments.
For instance
, many
students
would like to be instructors after graduating from university in Japan.
Thus
, there is an inclination that children are stimulated by these mentors and
got
Verb problem
have
show examples
plenty of abilities with them.
On the other hand
, recently youngsters are able to expose a lot of information on the internet and TV
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
and
also
can learn through some videos on YouTube or other websites
due to
the proliferation of technological devices. It means that they can improve their capabilities whenever they want and wherever they want.
According to
research done in 2019, 60% of university
students
consider that they obtained more pivotal and practical faculties online rather than in their colleges.
Hence
, many young individuals tend to learn their subjects on the network. In conclusion, it
is depended
Wrong verb form
depends
show examples
on what they want to reinforce, For the behaviours, they can learn with their mentors more than the website,
however
, for the knowledge, they can collect more details with the gadgets than with their educators.
In addition
, I consider that most
students
are
Verb problem
learn
show examples
learned with the technologies more,
therefore
, I subtly disagree with
this
view.
Submitted by shimamura0116 on

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task response
The essay provides a clear opinion on the topic and supports it with relevant examples. However, the introduction and conclusion could be more explicit and the logical structure needs improvement. The essay shows a partial response to the task, with some ideas not fully developed and lack of clarity in certain parts.
coherence and cohesion
The essay lacks coherence in some parts due to the organization of ideas. The introduction and conclusion need to be stronger, and the overall logical flow of the essay needs improvement. Better use of linking words and clear paragraph structures would enhance coherence and cohesion.

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