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Band 6

Some believe that people should not continue to work once they reach the age of retirement. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include relevant examples from your experience.

#believe #people #work #age #retirement
There is a conflicting view that old people should not remain in their jobs once they reach their
retirement
 age. I completely disagree with the argument because not every old person has someone to rely on and allowing them to work might help their minds active and live a little longer. Being able to stop working after the age of
retirement
 is for those who have privilege because there are people
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 still need to keep working because they need an income in order to survive. Contrary to belief, there were many elderly persons
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 were not able to save money for their
retirement
 even though they
want
Wrong verb form
wanted
show examples
 to retire from their work and enjoy the time left in their
lives
.
For instance
, there are individuals who have lived their
lives
 alone and do not have someone that they can depend on for their daily expenses or medicines if they have illnesses. So the opportunity to remain at their job is already tremendously helpful for them.
Additionally
, there were retirees who want to keep themselves occupied and active because by keeping distracted, they will able to forget their thoughts and help their brains to keep functioning.
For instance
, there were retired persons
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 have lived their
lives
 working and stopping them might not be helpful.
This
 is because sometimes,
this
 is where the symptoms of various illnesses
appeared
Wrong verb form
appear
show examples
 or if they were diagnosed long ago, will only worsen after retiring.
Although
,
this
 may not happen to every old person, keeping them busy will help ease their minds. In conclusion,
retirement
 is a privilege not every old person has because of their everyday expenses which they cannot rely on others. For another, letting them be busy beyond their
retirement
 age might help
maintain
Verb problem
keep
show examples
 their brains active and prolong their
lives
.
Submitted by angeline07 on

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task response
Task response could be improved by providing a more balanced view of the topic with consideration for opposing arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion would benefit from clearer linkages between ideas and improved logical sequencing of arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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