IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

In many parts of the world, children and teenagers are committing more crimes. What are the causes? How should these young criminals be punished?

#parts #world #children #teenagers #crimes #criminals
There is a controversial perspective heating a debate over the reasons that make youngsters around the world commit wicked acts.
This
 essay is devoted to the underlying roots, followed by some
equivalents
Fix the agreement mistake
equivalent
show examples
 solutions, Without a shadow of
doubt
Add an article
a doubt
show examples
, in
this
 day and
age
Add a comma
age,
show examples
 the number of young lawbreakers is increasing rapidly because of the lack of supply.
In many
Change preposition
Many
show examples
 undeveloped in the world
that
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can not provide a good life for
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 children and because of that many teenagers have to
convict
Verb problem
commit
show examples
crime
Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
show examples
 in order to survive. To be more specific, India is a country located in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Asia
where
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 is famous for its population but
also
 because of that it
also
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
 the governor can not provide enough food for citizens and make the price unpayable so orphans and poor children have to steal food from
local
Add an article
the local
a local
show examples
 market and do illegal acts to have money.
Hence
, youngsters do illegitimate acts because the government does not ensure their lives. To be fair, even though the actions of those young criminals come from their situation, they still break the law and need a suitable punishment. They should be imprisoned to pay for the act because prison sentences serve as one of the embodiments of justice and fairness in society.
However
, the government can help those perpetrators by teaching them how to do some work like fixing television or
construct
Wrong verb form
constructing
show examples
 buildings so they can make money by themselves and don’t need to be convicted of a crime. In conclusion, youngsters commit
crime
Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
show examples
 because the country can not supply their demand and they should be imprisoned as a punishment for their unlawful
act
Fix the agreement mistake
acts
show examples
.
Submitted by hominhtrang995 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear, single main idea and develops it fully before moving on to the next point. For example, discussing the causes and solutions in separate paragraphs with clear links between ideas can help enhance logical flow.
task achievement
Try to provide more varied and specific examples to support your points. For instance, referring to different regions or situations where teenagers commit crimes for different reasons would strengthen your argument.
language use
Revise for grammatical accuracy, as there were some awkward phrases and minor mistakes that could have been avoided. Read your essay out loud to catch these subtle errors.
task achievement
The topic has been addressed directly, with a clear introduction and conclusion. This shows a good understanding of the task requirements.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with paragraphs dedicated to causes and solutions. This helps in presenting an organized response.
task achievement
The example of India provided in the essay helps to illustrate the point clearly, making the argument more tangible.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: