IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that art, such as painting and music, does not improve people’s lives, so the government should not spend money on it. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

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Nowadays, a plethora of citizens argue that painting and music are not relevant to exist in the modern era. They advocate that the authorities do not have to allocate an enormous budget to the previous ecosystem.
However
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, I disagree with the earlier contention in view of art is always required. I will detail my perspective in the following paragraphs.
To begin
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 with, if a fundamental piece of art which is music is not recognized by the state's schedule, there will be a probability that a couple of decades from today, we will face a lack of outstanding composers.
As a result
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, perhaps the new generation cannot acquire benefits from the symphony.
For example
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, music, specifically classic symphony is able to release joy and
tranquility
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tranquillity
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 into our minds. It is quite beneficial in view of in many cases, people should have a placidity mind when they want to finish their duties and they are suitable to do it by listening to some beautiful symphonies.
Furthermore
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, painting has the same fundamental position as the previous feature of craft which has been discussed. As an illustration, when many painters are not assisted to survive, perhaps the future civilization does not have origin exceptional achievements
such
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 as the Mona Lisa which was created by Da Vinci as a symbol of the Renaissance era. To obliterate
this
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 issue, the public policymakers may regulate a law which will release a huge budget for painting in view of
this
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 activity is capable
to stimulate
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of stimulating
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 our creativity.
For instance
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, the governments can support several exhibition agendas which promulgate beginner artists' output.
To conclude
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, I redeclare my argumentation that melody and painting are essential for us
due to
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 they can assist us to be calm and train our artistry.
Then
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, the authorities can promulgate their agendas, namely supporting the art exhibition.

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coherence and cohesion
Ensure that all arguments are clear and well-structured to enhance overall coherence. Consider using more transitional phrases to guide the reader through lines of thought.
task achievement
Provide more detailed explanations of key points to strengthen your argument. Expanding on ideas helps to clarify your perspective.
task achievement
Your essay does a good job of expressing your disagreement with the given statement and presents multiple viewpoints.
task achievement
The use of specific examples, like the Mona Lisa, demonstrates an ability to provide relevant detail in support of your arguments.
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