IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some People Feel That Entertainers Such As Film Stars, Pop Musicians Or Sports Stars Are Paid Too Much Money. Do You Agree Or Disagree? Which Other Types Of Job Should Be Highly Paid?

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In the present era, the
government
Use synonyms
 pays a lot of money to Entertainers
Such
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 As Film Stars, Pop Musicians Or Sports Stars. But the real question is , It is
this
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 have a positive impact in the future ? or is coming with a negative on
government
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 and citizens?
To begin
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 with, the
government
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 should look up to more important things to less important things which benefit the
people
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 for the future of the salve.
Such
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 as education , hospitals and taking care of
people
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's livelihood.
For example
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, the
government
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 should pay for the easy process to access to buying homes because it is illogical
people
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 do not have a place to live and the
government
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 pay millions of dollars for sports stars or famous singers. Not only but
also
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 there are many poor patients who have a difficult situation and they need expensive medicine but they can not pay for it. Another point to consider is that we can interested in entertainment in various ways, without paying too much money.
For example
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, there are many local talents from the same country we can encourage and support them to improve their skills and give them the opportunity to participate as part of the entertainment.
Moreover
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, there are many jobs the
government
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 should pay for
such
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 as, first responders to be more specific, firefighters
government
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 should care about them because they sacrifice for us. In conclusion, in my opinion, the
government
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 should reconsider their payments to celebrities because
this
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 could have a negative impact on the development of
people
Use synonyms
 and society.

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coherence cohesion
Improve the logical connection between paragraphs, ensuring ideas flow smoothly from one to the next.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen the introduction and conclusion by clearly expressing your stance and summarizing main points.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples or evidence to support claims, particularly in the area of government spending priorities.
task achievement
Clarify ideas and ensure they are fully developed for a more comprehensive response.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, guiding readers through your argument.
task achievement
You present a reasonable argument regarding the prioritization of government spending over entertainers.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Revenue generation
  • Supply and demand
  • Influence on culture
  • Trendsetters
  • Income disparity
  • Essential workers
  • Critical role
  • Public health
  • Endorsements
  • Economies
  • Compensation
  • Significant contribution
  • Technological advancements
  • Global challenges
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